Obsessive Love Disorder [PART 3]

3

November 3, 1996
Billy

I had to ensure I could be close to Charlotte, even if she didn't want me to be. That's why as soon as the sun went down, I threw my shit into the room closest to the bathroom and shut myself in for the night. I even reorganized the furniture so that the bed's headboard was pressed against the wall. That way I could listen for any sign of movement. I could maybe, just maybe hear her voice. I don't have much hope though. 

It's three in the morning, and despite my emotional and physical exhaustion, I'm wide awake. It's not that I can't sleep or anything. I just don't want to. Every time I hear a creak or a thump in the night, I bolt upright and peek into the hallway. Just in case she decided to come out. But every time, I stare at the bowl of soup I placed outside the bathroom door hours ago. It's cold now, obviously, but part of me wants to heat it back up and let her know it's still out there. 

I'm getting more and more concerned by the minute. She hasn't eaten anything since the party on Halloween. She took the first-aid kit from me, but she lost so much blood... she needs nutrients to make her feel better. She needs to eat. There's a sink in the bathroom, of course, so she has access to water. That makes me feel slightly better. If only the gap underneath the bathroom door was bigger, then I'd slide a plate of food underneath. I feel like if she actually saw some food, she'd be more willing to eat it. But I'd have to make Davey do it for me. God knows Charlotte isn't going to take anything I give her. 

Sighing, I adjust my position in the blankets to wrap my arms around myself. It's fucking freezing in this damn cabin, but we can't turn on the heat. If my father sees the extra cash on his heating bill, we're screwed. Instead, the three of us guys divvied up the extra blankets from the living room to keep ourselves as warm as possible. 

I did leave one of mine outside the bathroom, though. Luckily for me, it looks like Charlotte actually took that one. 

 thud... thud...

On instinct, I prop myself up on my elbows and push my head toward the wall so that my ear is pressed flat against the surface. My heart pounds and an involuntary smile blooms on my face, but both quickly drop after I hear Stu's bedroom door closing softly down the hall. Son of a bitch... I'm going crazy here. 

Instead of throwing myself back down into the pillow, I slowly remove myself from the bed and pad toward the door, opening it as quietly as I can and stand myself right outside the bathroom door. I know she's probably asleep, but...

"Charlotte," I whisper, my hand pressed lightly against the wood. "Are you awake?"

Just as expected, I hear nothing. I strain, hoping to hear anything... and eventually, I pick up the subtle sound of her breathing. I huff out a sigh of relief and crouch down to the ground, settling myself in front of the door and leaning my head against it, 

"I know you're mad at me... maybe mad isn't the right word. Furious? Enraged? Something like that... you're pissed. I know you are. I just... I need to to hear my words. I don't need you to respond or anything... I just want you to hear them."

I pick at my cuticles nervously, drawing a few drops of blood in the process. It stings, but nothing could hurt more than this silence treatment. 

"I love you, Charlotte. More than anything. All I want to do right now is bust down this door and hold you in my arms... but I know you'd hate that. I know you'd push me away and scream in my face about how horrible I am. And you're right - I am horrible. I did bad things, darling, and I'd do anything and everything to take it all back. I wish I never had hurt Steve or Casey... I wish Sidney didn't treat you horribly... I wish I didn't ask you for a pencil in history class. I'm so unbelievably grateful I did, because I got to call you mine, but now? I know you regret it all. I know you wish you would've told me to fuck off. But you didn't... and now all of our friends are dead."

Amidst my mindless monologuing, a few tears have begun to stream down my face. I don't bother to wipe them away... I don't care anymore.

"If you don't love me anymore, that's okay," I whimper. "I don't blame you, Charlotte. I'd be okay with that."

I choke down a sudden sob. 

"I can try to stop loving you, if that's what you want. I don't think I could ever fully stop... but if you don't want me to love you, I won't. I'll move on. I'll turn myself in, plead guilty in court. If that's what you want I'll do it. I'll do whatever it takes for you to feel better. I'll... I'll hurt myself, too. If that's what you want. I'll die, if you want. If that would make you happy, I'll-"

"Billy."

I flinch at the sudden voice, sweet and warm through the wood of the door. I laugh bitterly as I try to collect myself, patting down my messy hair and smoothing out my pajamas. "Charlotte?" I question. "Are you... are you actually talking? I didn't imagine that, did I? Oh, thank you, my love. You have no idea how good it feels to hear your voice. Are you alright in there? Did the bleeding stop? I-I have some soup out here for you, if you want it. It's a little cold, but I'd be happy to reheat-"

"Fuck you."

I stop abruptly. There's a moment of shuffling from behind the door before it all goes silent again, the only audible sound being my own ragged breathing.  

Wordlessly, I stalk back into my room and shut the door.