cliff • kpop au

eleven.

PRESENT DAY

Walking around my room again after months away from it gave me a sort of melancholy feeling.

A feeling that I somehow cannot seem to shake for even a minute. It just continued to form like a cloud over my head, a gray and heavy cloud, filled with threatening rain.

I'm now enrolled in college-- UCLA to be exact-- and even though campus wasn't too far away from my hometown, it still felt like a completely different house once I set foot in it again.

I hadn't originally planned to come home for spring break-- in fact I contemplated just staying on campus the whole time. Last time I was home, it was in February for my birthday, and now, a month later, I am greeted with the same sorrowful feeling I felt that time as well.

I gazed at the polaroids scattered all across my wall, right above my bed, and one in particular caught my attention. I stepped closer, letting the soft and plush mattress envelop me as I reached forward to pluck the picture from the clip that was holding it.

As I looked closer, it dawned on me that the picture was a depiction of Jisoo and I, smiling and hugging each other at a state fair. I remember that day clearly; we were in 9th grade, and Jisoo practically begged me to come to the state fair with her because it had her favorite ride and fried dough. I was battling allergies and was upset about a growing pimple on my chin, but I went anyway for her, and we ended up having a blast.

As I was clipping the polaroid back up on its clip, my eyes darted towards another familiar picture.

I took it down, and just looking at it made my eyes well up with tears.

It was a picture of Jisoo, Taeyong, Seonghwa, and myself, all holding our newly decorated caps and gowns for graduation. I think my Dad took the picture.

I thought more about that day, about how excited we all were to finally be getting out of that hell hole. How Jisoo's eyes gleamed with pride as she showed off her bedazzled cap and gown, and when she explained how the navy blue fabric complimented her skin tone perfectly.

Before I realized it, multiple drops of salty water plopped down on top of the picture, and I found myself silently crying, my body jerking with each quiet gasp I let escape my frame.

Suddenly, I heard a knock at my door, and I immediately wiped my face clean and straightened my posture, watching my door slowly open to reveal my Dad.

"Hey Honey...Taeyong and Seonghwa called, they said they'd like to come over in a few if that's alright with you?" He asked, walking over to the bed and sitting down next to me.

"Y-Yeah, that's fine Dad, they can come over..."

After a few minutes of silence as he stared at me, he asked softly: "Have you been crying?", and that's all it took for me to absolutely breakdown in tears, falling into his arms naturally.

He didn't ask or say anything else to me, he just held me, already too familiar with the grief that repeatedly came back to haunt me over and over again, even if I tried to convince myself that I was finally, finally fine.

💮💮💮

Sitting down at the kitchen table, Seonghwa, Taeyong and I munched on the feta cheese and spinach pizza my Dad ordered for us.

It was quiet, but not an awkward quiet; in the recent months, the three of us have grown even closer than we were before, especially after the incident. They became the two major pillars in my life besides my Dad, so just being with them was comforting enough.

As we continued devouring the delicious pizza, Taeyong's voice interrupted the silent ambiance around us.

"How are you today Chaeyoung?"

"Woah, not the full first name. This is serious, huh?" I chuckled, reaching for another piece from the box.

"No, not necessarily, it's just...your Dad told us you were crying earlier and we just wanted to make sure you were ok now."

Ok, I love my Dad but why does he always have to snitch on me?

"I'm fine, don't worry about it." I spoke in a rush, trying to move past the topic so I wouldn't have to cry all over again.

When I just heard silence instead of a response, I looked up from the slice of pizza I was eating to see Taeyong and Seonghwa looking at me with a mix of worry and doubt.

"What? Seriously guys, I'm fine! If I wasn't I would be even more of a train wreck than I am now."

"You just openly admitted that you're indeed a train wreck." Seonghwa responded, his eyebrow raised.

"That's not what I-- god, you know what I meant!" I retorted back in defense, and the sharpness of my response only marinated when I saw their faces morph into a more hurt expression.

"I-I'm sorry...I'm so sorry, I just..." I sighed, closing my eyes and keeping them closed so the tears that were threatening to form wouldn't slip down my cheeks so quickly.

"Jisoo and I, we had this thing....we made up this little rule, I don't even know what to call it but.....Jisoo's birthday was in January and mine is in February, and since March is directly after we always used to declare March as our month...like if we were a math equation, Jisoo plus me would equal March. We always used to have picnics, go to state fairs, even just having something as simple as a movie night, we always managed to fill March with lots of funny memories and events. This is my first March without her...so, you know...I got sad thinking about it..."

Before I could even let out another word, they both reached forward and grabbed my hands, smiling at me gently.

"It'll be fine Rosie...you have us, remember? We can do something fun this spring break in honor of her. That way she knows that we still remember her and love her and she can rest easy." Seonghwa squeezed my hand for comfort, and I immediately felt ten times better than before.

"Thanks guys, that would be great..." A single tear decided to roll down my cheek, and I chuckled as I wiped it, playfully smacking both of their hands away.

"You bastards...you made me cry again...if I ruin my makeup I'm throwing you two out and locking the door.

"Not our fault you're just a crybaby." Taeyong grinned, yelping with a picked up a stray piece of spinach and threw it at his face.

"Loser!"

Later that day, we had a movie night in my room and watched an incredibly cheesy romance film that Jisoo loved. I cringed at all of the parts that I remember cringing to in the past as well, and even though the scene in front of me caused obvious physical disgust, mentally it still made me happy in a way. It reminded me that even though she wasn't here with us in the flesh, her aura surrounded us, and she was laughing right along with us.

At night, when the two boys fell asleep before I did, I stayed awake, laying down on my bed and staring at the wall. My mind replayed images and scenes of a high school me just a few months ago, and I started to remember even more of the events that led up to Jisoo taking her life, only a few weeks before graduation.