The Day She Walked Away

Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

Visit.

It has been almost a month since that day.

Few days after that night, I left and stayed in my pad in Makati. Hindi rin ako nakapunta sa mga magulang ko sa mga nakalipas na linggo. I was crying for almost everyday as everything dawned on me.

Hindi ako makapaniwala na kaya niya akong pag-isipan ng gano'n.

I was not that desperate to do that!

Yes, I want his love . . . Him as a whole, but I am not the type of woman who would take advantage of someone when he was drunk or in a vulnerable state. Hindi ko matanggap na kaya niya akong pag-isipan ng ganoon kasama.

One time, I even tried to picture myself molesting a man . . . and I can't! It disgusts the hell at out of me. Kaya hindi maatim ng sikmura ko na kaya niya akong pag-isipan ng ganoon.

Sa mga naunang araw, wala akong naging balita kay Troy. I did not use social medias and went out as I caged myself in my room. I lost my interest doing everything because that conversation drained me. Alam kong hindi dapat ako magpaapekto dahil hindi naman iyon totoo, but no matter what words of encouragement I said to myself, I was just too affected. I was even too tired to do anything. And too tired to make myself feel better.

Oftentimes, I randomly asked myself, what have I done to him that he thinks of me that badly? All throughout these years, has he perceived me like that? Why? Wala akong natatandaang may ginawa ako upang maging ganoon ang pananaw niya sa akin. So . . . Why?

The following days, even though I still don't have the motivation, I did my best to force myself to go back to my daily routine. May parte sa aking isip na nagsasabi na walang patutunguhan ang aking pag mumukmok kaya't pinilit ko talaga ang aking sarili.

Thankfully, I succeeded. Because a few weeks after, as I slowly regained myself, I came up with a decision to do the things I've usually done even before I got married. Since then, I was not able to go back to our house anymore. I decided to. Even my parents'. As much as I wanted to, because I missed them, I didn't.

The mere thought of going back to Troy and I's house, it was already a living nightmare. Every corner of the house would surely remind me that night and it would make me go back to square one and every thing that I progressed with would be put into a waste. I don't want to take a huge risk knowing that there is a big chance that I am the one who is on the side where almost everything is uncertain.

I heaved out a sigh as I stood in-front of the door of my parent's house, there was an unfamiliar feeling that I could not fully name. It was indescribable, that even I was questioning myself.

Ilang minuto na akong nakatayo rito, pinag-i-isipan kung dapat bang tumuloy pa ba o hindi. It took me a lot of strength and consideration before I finally decided to be here again. Hindi madali. Ilang beses kong pinag-isipan kung kaya ko na ba, but at the back of my mind something is saying that my relationship with my parents should not be strained because of my personal issues.

I knew and I am fully aware that they do not have any idea on what I was going through, but somehow . . . a part of me wished and yearned that they were on my side at that time of my life, helping me go through that phase by giving me an advice or merely have their presence beside mine.

"Ba't ka nandito?" Nakatikwas ang kilay na bungad ni Berta nang pagbuksan ako ng pintuan.

"Because this is my house, too?"

Humalukipkip siya, at hindi makapaniwala akong tinitigan. "Alam mo bang ilang araw . . . linggo . . . buwan akong nangulila sa 'yo, tapos . . ." Huminga siya ng malalim, at umiling-iling. "Umaakto kang parang wala kang ginawang mali?! Grabe ka na Kailene Eunice! Ano'ng ginawa ko sa 'yong mali para ganituhin mo ako, ha?!"