Keeping Secrets

Chapter 12

Ruby's PoV

Guilt is one of those terrible things that hollows your soul in an excruciating, humourless way. To tell you the truth, everytime I saw you after my conversation with Preety, I felt like I was the reason you had lost any chance you had of getting back with Ryan. I couldn't meet your eyes and I was desperate to do something about my guilt, but none of this stopped me from continuing my attempts to be a good best friend to all three of you at the same time, when actually I was betraying all of you, and myself everyday.

Of course I never thought there would be any consequences, Nikki. When I saw the way you chose to go after the episode in Sliam I was worried for you.  We could all see that you were not yourself anymore, but none of us saw it as the cry for help it was. Still, I knew more than them. I knew the reason. I was the reason, and I could see you giving in to your sadness day by day, but once Preety tightened her reign on Ryan, I felt like something died inside you. You were never whole again.  You stopped meeting us after college, and even when she did come, you seemed to be elsewhere. How I wish I had told you the truth, Nikki! I owed you that. I wish I had not been the one to have ruined the only beautiful thing you wanted for yourself. I wish I had not acted so selfish. I wish I did not have to live with this on my conscience forever.

There were a few distinct times when we felt really optimistic about getting our old Nikki back, but as we watched you slip away, it felt more and more like some vain attempt to live in a fool's paradise. We did not buy your stupid stories about how you were walking in with fresh scabs and bruises everyday. I did not know who was doing it and how but I know they had gone up after Ryan totally gave up on you for Preety. I was capable of putting these two obvious things together and understand what you were going to, but I did not have the courage to admit that I was responsible for it. I know that if things had run their natural course Ry and you might have found a way back to each other, and all these days, my biggest fear was any of you finding out. Now, it feels like a very small price to have paid for your happiness. You deserved it.

As much as I really wished for a miracle for Nikki to be able to move on or for Ryan to realise that it he could never find a person who loved him more than she did, I could understand why they were both not wrong. I just wished it could all have been painless.  I wish I had picked being a good friend over seeking validation about it. I wish I wasn't the one to hurt you the most, Nikki.

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Gaurav decided to head back to the lunch room, which was now turning into his office here at Barnette. He felt like the blue and green geometric pattern on the white tiles was beginning to get imprinted in the darkness he saw when he closed his eyes. Outdoor, the sun was out and inspired hope for an unusually clear day, so his team was out and about, collecting every electrical cable in the vicinity: AUX cables, chargers, earphones-- some teams were also scouring the entire area for glass fragments with any trace of blood. Now, the sun was getting frustratingly intense, and Gaurav had too much to get done today.

His gnawing headache from the lack of sleep was getting rather intense, but an entire day had gone by, and despite the many revelations, there was no significant step forward in finding Nikki's killer or the murder weapon, yet. The promise this scorching day brought seemed strong, but it was Gwam after all. They would be lucky if the clear skies lasted an hour at a stretch.

He sent one of his subordinates to bring Ryan and lit up another cigarette to make the wait a little shorter for himself. Gaurav was not naturally as patient as he was known to be. He was as human as the next person. In fact, he had an overdeveloped sense of justice. Injustice of any kind made his blood boil and his heart race with anger. His job kept him in check and reminded him that in some instances the only difference between him and the people he hated was the restrictions his duty imposed on his free will with all the power it gave him.