Keeping Secrets

Chapter 20

Kevin's PoV

I'm probably the unluckiest person in the world. I have an entire lifetime ahead of me to think of the number of chances I had to tell you how I felt about you: to save you from yourself and all these people we considered our friends. Now, I can safely say that I have nothing left in college.

Remember how excited we were to break the news to them? We knew that none of them would believe it but not for the reasons I've found out in the last few days.

You remember that evening in first year when  you called me up to ask if I was around to pick you up because it had started raining when you were walking back? I reached late and it wasnt because I was dropping another friend like I told you. I was on the other end of town, but I was pretty sure that would be the night I tell you how I feel. I came so prepared for it, and then I saw you.  That was the first time I saw you like that, all cried out and in an unexpected twist, not talking my ears off like you usually did. I could see you struggling to act normal and stay in the present. You looked beautiful under the dull glow of the street light, and I wanted to reach out and hold you closer to me. I could see the love, rage and anguish in your eyes, and I could see his name written across all your feelings.

I'll never forget the walk back and the conversation we had. My dilemma was genuine when I asked you, "Why do we always seek happiness in the same place where we found pain?"

"It's the hope that maybe love will heal what love hurt,"

I wanted to argue but I knew I was doing the same thing.

You told me that night about how the quest for self preservation can feel like an unnecessary burden when you have counted enough futile evenings spent on doing nothing staying alive and  looking happier than you really are, when you could very well have used the time to make your tomorrow better, like everyone around you. You wonder if tomorrow is indeed another chance or just the cause of another night of wild panic. Today, I can feel every word you said but I can't even reach out and tell you that I do.

I should have told you a long time ago, Nikki. I should have showed up at Sliam last year. I should have. I can't remember a time when I didn't love you, Nikki. All of you: the way you loved and laughed unhinged, the way your sad eyes gave away stories of the tears and sleeplessness of an entire weekend. I cherished every smile, sob and scar of yours and prayed to the heavens I could call them all mine for once in this lifetime.

Until this weekend, I had a new purpose that I was ready to live for with every cell in my body.  You, me and our little family, a world where love would never be sparse.  Now what do I do with all these dreams? How do I convince myself that I must go on without ever getting to wake up next to you? Why did fate bring me so close to having such a beautiful dream that I would never get a chance to live? How will I make myself get over you Nikki?

How do I forgive myself for all the chances I did not take? Had I told you a year ago, life would have spanned out differently, or would it? Would you have let me in, Nikki? Arushi did not.  Not fair, Nikki. You cannot just leave me behind here to figure all this out by myself. What will I do without you Nikki? Where will I go? Whom will I say all this to?

It's not fair that I have to be the only one in this relationship again and this time, forever. 

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Gaurav was exhausted. He stubbed yet another cigarette while going through the messages on Nikki's phone. Kevin's story had checked out. He had considerably changed his style and language to suit his online persona, but he was able to log into the account again to prove that it was, indeed, him.