Life Can Be Beautiful

Losing My Mind

September 25, 1997

"I'm still not sure where they went. It's been two years since they've released new music or even performed anywhere." One radio host says. "A lot of people think the lead singers had a fight and broke up the band. Some think they were in a secret relationship and they broke up, so the band did too." The other host suggests. "I can see that. They definitely had chemistry. That's a shame, though. I hope they come back. Or maybe they're just a one hit wonder band-" The first host laughs.

I turn off the radio. I slump back on the couch. "They are kind of right. It was a fight that ended things." Alyssa sits down next to me. "I know. But the last thing is so untrue. We had two albums that did well. They don't know anything." I cross my arms. "Don't listen to that crap. They get paid to say that stuff." Alyssa kisses me on the cheek, "I'm off to work. Try not to stress all day." She grabs her purse. "No promises." I smile. But I can't promise I won't, because I know I will. I always stress out.

I go into the kitchen to make breakfast. My phone sits on the counter. Every time I hear our songs on the radio, I want to call him. But I'm sure he's too busy. Jill told me yesterday that he and Eva just got engaged. I can't believe I missed that. If we were still friends, I'd have been the first person he told. Owen and I get lunch pretty often. I see Sam when he visits from Pennsylvania. A few months after the band officially broke up, he moved back.

After eating breakfast and call Owen, asking him to come over. "Hey. What's up?" He says as he walks in. "Not much. JD's engaged." I sigh. He makes a nervous face and looks away. "What?" I force him to turn around. "He told me." He picks at the nail of his thumb, something he does that shows that he's nervous or uncomfortable. "He did? When?" I ask. "He told me the day after he proposed. So the day he told his mom." He tells me. "And let me guess, he told Sam, too." I drop my arms to my side. Owen looks away again. "Okay come on!" He groans. "Well why would he tell you! You haven't talked in two years. And after that fight, it's no wonder he didn't tell you." He shrugs.

I sit down, my hand over my face. "Call him. Alyssa and I have been begging you to do that for two years." Owen sits next to me. "What do I even say?" I shrug. "Apologize?" Owen suggests. "Apologize! Why would I apologize? He started the fight! He insulted the both of us!" I said some unkind things, but he should be the first to apologize.

"Because we all know he won't do it. He's too busy being engaged. I just want you to be happy again. And I want our band back. I miss hanging out with you three. I haven't seen Sam in months. Just be the bigger person and call him!" Owen gets up. "If you'll excuse me, I have somewhere to be." He says. "Okay. Bye." I hug him before he leaves.

For the rest of the day, I pace the living room of the apartment. What do I do? I keep thinking back to the fight we had two years ago. The one that ruined everything.

"Hey." I said as I closed the door behind me. "Hey." JD said from the other room. "Are you excited about that interview on Friday?" I asked. "Eh." He walked in from his room. "You know they're gonna ask why we haven't announced a new album, right?" I smirked. "I'm trying. You never like my ideas." He sighed. "What?" I laugh, "I love your ideas. I'm only thinking about the band. Some of your song ideas aren't right for the band. I think they're great solo songs. But it's in the band's best interest that we don't release them." I explained.

He didn't respond. "What?" I shook my head. "How come my ideas aren't good enough, but yours are so incredible?" He crossed his arms. "What does that mean?" I furrowed my eyebrows. "Just admit you want to write our songs alone. Or just admit you want a new guitarist and vocalist!" He got louder. "I'm sorry? How did this turn into 'JD's the victim hour' when I just told you that your songs don't work for the band? Also I agreed with you on two songs." I couldn't believe him. "You think I'm playing the victim? And I'm not the one trying to hurt the band's image! You're the one making the front page at a gay rights protest that got really aggressive a month ago. That put us in hot water! You know how bad we looked after that?" He said. "And how is that a bad thing? There's two band members dating someone of the same sex. And the people hating us for that protest already hated us when Owen and I publicly announced our sexualities- a decision you praised us for!" Then I raised my voice. "That's different! You weren't pushing people in that announcement like you were on that street. You cared more about yourself that day! You didn't care about the band like you claim you do when you say my songs aren't good enough!" He turned to walk away. "I was being selfish for standing up for what I believe in? For standing up for the gay people who don't make a lot of money and don't have acceptance from their loved ones? I wasn't looking out for myself there, I was looking out for the people who don't have the things I have. I can't believe you right now!" I ran my hand through my hair. I was so angry.