Ask Elusahsia

Forgiveness Means Moving On?

Does forgiveness mean you should move on?

            Forgiveness takes time depending on the fault, and some things are hard to forgive. Some things as simple as ‘I told you not to take my pencil.’ ‘Please forgive me.’ are not major. Then I am sure we can agree some things may be unforgivable.

            However, forgiveness comes with willingness to change for the better. To stop what you were once faulted for. It’s what makes people want to forgive, but not necessarily forget; though, just because you can’t forget, doesn’t mean you can’t move on.

            Nobody expects you to forget. It’s great and certainly understandable if you continue to use your judgment of what once happened to make decisions regarding that person. Why? Because they have shown their stripes. Why would you not want to protect yourself from another heartache or disappointment?

            That said, sometimes we want the same things and the same relationship we had with someone despite what they did. It means we want to forgive, and we say it though we don’t show it as we constantly remind that person of their faults. It’s hard to forgive if you can’t move on. But you have to let go of some things. You have to put yourself in a position where you are satisfied with letting that person roam free of their faults towards you while at the same time, you’re in a position to not be bothered by whatever wrong they have done to you.

            Yes, it’s hard to move on; sometimes you will remember what they did especially when it is triggered by something, but as said above, you need to be in a position where you are okay with letting some things go and making peace with it. But of course, it doesn’t mean you can’t use the past as evidence to explain your judgement in the present or future. ‘Why don’t you trust me? ‘Do I have to remind you about the time…’ It’s understandable to have walls up and that it takes time…If the person at fault or in question cares, they will try to lift those walls down as much as possible. But you can’t make their life miserable, hence, make yours a constant up and down like a roller coaster.

            You can also take jabs as I am sure the person will understand especially having what you went through because of them. Occasionally you will say: ‘Oh, a vanilla cake. Just like the one Maryam ate that was mine.’ and Maryam is standing right there. It’s your way of releasing emotions or it may be cathartic to you, and at a certain time, you will get tired, and it becomes a joke.

            So, forgiveness doesn’t mean letting go; you can release your energy at that person, but you can’t continue to make their life miserable that they question if you are even an asset in their life- this negative energy and guilt they keep getting. Because then it means you have not forgiven them; you have to move on to an extent. And sometimes maybe lack of forgiveness is the only reason why we are okay because we know we will get justice later on in life, or we believe they will get what will come for them.

           Remember, you're allowed to feel your feelings. You are allowed to not forgive, but if someone is willing to change and take your crap, then maybe open your heart to them again. But don’t forgive unless you are ready to make peace with yourself even if you are not entirely ready to let them off the hook. That said, don’t let them play you; they seek forgiveness repeatedly… and you keep giving it.... ongoing. It means that you have given up in the hopes that they will ever change so you tell them what they want to hear. Or it was never a big enough deal, so you keep forgiving. Or you are forcing yourself to forgive, and you can’t do that; you need to be okay with doing that. Otherwise, find a way to move on and peace in yourself even if it is not through what they have done to you.

You have already been hurt. Stop letting them hurt you some more by letting them have power over you as you continue to let that anger turn to hate and into something ugly that you yourself don’t want.

As always, I can't wait for your questions, and comments. Don’t forget to vote and follow!