In The Comment Section

Chapter One - Wattpad

I was so excited I could hardly sit still in my chair as my hands flew across the keyboard. Password? ReadingABC123* I typed. Email? ValLamur@gmail.com. Username? I hesitated for a split second, considering. My mom would never see my username, so I might as well have fun with it a bit. 

I typed 'MyDaddyDidn'tWantMe' into the slot and hit enter. Once I confirmed my email and explored my account, I set to work. I uploaded a bunch of my completed novels, as well as some of my uncompleted ones, and then closed my laptop and flopped onto my bed, staring at the ceiling. Thoughts swirled around in my brain, fragments of ideas for books, waking dreams trying to take shape and failing, the slight anxiety I'd had ever since Dad left and never told my mom about nagging at my brain...

'What if my username was right?' my brain threw out, but instead of fading back into my chatter and clamor of thoughts, it stuck, shining at the forefront of my mind like a too-bright flashlight shone into your eyes on a dark night. It started to get comfortable there as I simultaneously tried to kick it back into the sea of thoughts so it would sink and dissapear. But it stubbornly clung on, digging at the anxiety deep inside my heart and hauling it to the surface.

'What if Dad didn't want me? How would I ever know? Why did he leave if not because of that?' 

It had to be my fault - it could never be Jemma's. 

Jemma was the best big sister I could hope for. She was about 3 years older than me and very pretty, with long brown hair and deep brown eyes, but she wasn't very popular at school which surprised me. I think she was just too nice for all the girls at our school. They were intimidated and confused by her niceness, having never tried being nice themselves. And as is well-known, anything we're intimidated by or don't understand - we outcast them or destroy them. I'm glad they went with the first option, not that I like either of them. 

At least she has Kate, a girl who is equally as beautiful, nice, and an outcast. I'm glad they're friends, it helps me have peace of mind that someone will be there to look out for Jemma. Jemma is so nice that it sometimes prevents her from standing up for herself, while Kate is proud and unafraid to speak her opinion. Loudly.

Anyway, Dad would never leave because of her. It had to be me. She was the perfect child, after all, and I was not. She was quiet, kind, patient, and wore her heart on her sleeve.

Basically the opposite of me. I was loud, opinionated, annoyed easily, and I had learned to turn my feelings off at the turn of an imaginary knob. Not any one person really knew the whole story, at least from my point of view. 

Yes, they might know my dad left. Yes, they might know that it's hard. But they only know that because other people told them. They didn't hear it from me, didn't hear how it was hard, how it affected me and my family.

They didn't know the ball of anxiety that now clawed its way up my throat every time something went wrong, didn't have a clue about the sleepless nights, the muffled sobs, the never ending whirlwind of my mind that wore me down each day so I was ready to collapse when night arrived, but then couldn't fall asleep because the wind of the tornadoes of thoughts was so loud in my ears. They had no idea how much I had suffered. 

And that was just the way I liked it.

I didn't want them to know about the anxiety, the sleepless nights, the muffled sobs, the endless whirlwind. I wanted to protect them, comfort them. If I told them it would only cause them distress, and I never wanted to be the source of another's distress. That was why I had learned to not show what I was feeling, bury it inside. After all, I was probably the reason my dad left, the reason my mom was heartbroken and my sister was devestated.

I would never hurt anyone again.

(So, what do you think? Btw if you didn't catch that from her email her name's Val Lamur.)