The Lost Family

"he exploded"

I wake up this morning feeling like crap.

The bombings lasted through the night, whilst I was tucked up in bed, wondering whether I would wake up the next day, whether my father was alive and if life would ever go back to how it was just over a year ago. I don't think I got more than an hours sleep.

Ever since this war between Kosovo and Serbia has broken out, I've lost so much weight and I don't think I've ever had more than four hours of sleep.

As I'm getting out of my pyjamas, my mum barges into my room.
"oh sorry darling, I thought you were still in bed" she says in albanian.
"What's going on mami?" I say to her as she is rushing around my room frantically.
She sits down on my bed and pats the space next to her, signalling for me to sit next to her.
"listen Hana" she says, I knew from the sincere look on her face that something was wrong.
"Your uncle Bekim has been killed in the war" she looks down at the floor and takes a deep breath in,
"he was meant to arrive back in Mitrovica today, but on his way back he stepped on an unexploded bomb and-"
"And...?" I ask.
"It...exploded " she says quietly
"it exploded?"I repeat, questioning my hearing.
"Yes" my mum sighs.
He exploded? Wow. That must have been horrible.

Taking me by surprise she suddenly bursts into tears ,places her head onto my shoulders and weeps her heart out. It is heartbreaking to see my mother like this as she was usually the person that could handle tragedy the best.

I gently pat her soft hair and try to soothe her, but the haunting image of my uncle exploding into thousands of pieces creeps into my mind and suddenly all the anger and sadness I have kept inside of me is flowing out.

I don't know my uncle that well at all, I haven't seen him in around 7 years. It is not the fact that he had died that is making me cry, it is not knowing what the Serbs are capable of, what damage they can cause, or have already caused. It is fear.

If they are heartless enough to place a bomb that can make a soldier explode, what about the rest of the population?
Elderly people?
Babies?
Mothers?
Fathers?
Children?
Teenagers?
Are they all going to be bombed too?

After we both cry for a while my mother lifts her head up, dries her eyes, cups my face into her soft, reassuring hands and says," You have to look after your grandma very well for me"
"Why?" I question.

"Your uncle Bekim has left his wife and five children and they need someone to help them get back onto their feet. After all, they all depended on him, and now that he's gone, they need someone to take control"

"So what are you suggesting mami? That we leave our house, that I leave all of my friends to go and look after them!?" I say, coming to the wrong conclusion.
"No, Hana, listen to me" she says impatiently.
"As I said before, you will stay here and look after your grandma. I will and live with them for a couple of months, and once they can look after themselves and have recovered from the tragedy, I will come back"

I can't believe what I am hearing. I'm not going to let my mum risk her life by moving to another city.
"NO MAMI! You can't go! What if you get shot along the way, or get attacked or raped by the Serbs?!"
"Don't be stupid Hana, that won't happ-"

"I thought Uncle Bekim had a fourteen year old son, he's old enough to look after his mum and siblings! Why do you have to go over there when there is someone else that can do it!" I interrupt.

"He's been traumatised by the War, he has lost his marbles! He has constant nightmares, he screams frantically at every bang he hears and cries at random moments. Please Hana, I thought you would be more understanding than this!" She says sounding hurt.

At those few, simple words I feel my guts churn and I feel annoyed at myself for arguing with my mum about this. She is going to help a family in need and all I care about was myself!!
Disgusting

"Ok mami" I say quietly " you can go"

And with those words she kisses me on the cheek, hugs me tightly and leaves my room. A few minutes later, the front door bangs shut.

With that sound, I slump down the smooth wall, cry and rock myself to sleep, thinking about whether this is the last time I will ever see my mum.