Nothing for My Thoughts

Loneliness

Often, I feel lost in deep loneliness - the loneliness you feel when you're sitting with your friends and you physically cannot contribute to the conversation because as much as you want to believe that you're one of them, you're really not. The loneliness you feel while sitting on your bed after taking a quiet night shower. That loneliness that takes up so much space in your brain that makes it easy to fill the void with more void. That loneliness that makes you wonder "what about me makes me me" and you realize you can't think of anything. That loneliness where you can't imagine someone loving you if they like you, or like you if they love you. The thing about like and love is that they don't really go hand-in-hand the way we believe they do. Sometimes, people have to love you because of the circumstances, but do they like you? Not necessarily. Same thing goes for the people who like you. You can like anyone based on a brief encounter, but do you love them? Maybe not after a brief encounter, Maybe not at all. And for that, I feel like I'm someone you have a brief encounter with or someone who you have to love; not in a way where I am lovable, but in a way that I am just there. I feel so stiff. So stuck. Not wanted, but not in a position to be present. The thing about me is that I'm too aware of my reality, but also too in my head. It is confusing whether Life is a movie, or movies aren't real. The thing with this deep loneliness is that I feel whole with one person. And as sad as it is, that one person is my baby Sister. She's not a baby anymore, but I'll always see her as a younger version of myself who I will always protect from everything that has hurt me.
I was once a younger version of myself, but I couldn't protect her and no one else did. Of course there was a roof above my head, but now I know that it was not enough.
On a piece of paper, I am a person who my sister is forced to love because I'm her older sister - Blood relation. But honestly, nothing is fun without her. It's so nice having someone who even when they judge you, you can judge them back and laugh about it. I miss that. A place with no bad intentions, no hidden motives. A place where the biggest fight can always be resolved with a batch of 'I'm-sorry-pancakes' and "okay fine let's go eat".
It's so draining being so nice to everyone here because I don't want them to see me being mean or getting angry or feeling hurt. I cannot be vulnerable around anyone here because I know that once we're done and we graduate, we won't see each other. This summer proved that to be true. We weren't even done with our studies, and we didn't talk. Maybe it's me. I keep everyone at a distance. But I feel like that's easier. With my old friends back home, there was no distance - other than the drive from each other's houses. And the moment the distance grew over continents, we stopped being friends.
It's somehow the complete opposite here, yet it is the same. We're all neighbors but after goodbyes in the airport, we don't see each other until we're reunited in the airport a few weeks or months later.
No one really knows me, regardless of the distances. And I admit, a lot of it is my fault. Maybe I have a problem with proportions.
Either all or none.
I just think none, in this case, is better than
all.
Nothing ends well with all. With none, there's nothing to end.
And even though I just went on a tangent about deep loneliness, I think I'd rather be swirling in a whirl of loneliness than share my private ideas and thoughts with people around me. I cannot bare the consequences of exposing or revealing so much about myself when nothing is promised.
To be fair, even with my friends back home, I didn't share too much about myself. I did share a lot with her, who was supposedly my platonic soulmate, throughout the years. But never with him. Everything he knew, he forced it out of me. He was rude and aggressive and disrespectful. I really really hate him for that.
I just have to find a middle ground. And deal
with it. And the way to do that is to get A
Cat.
Humorous. Never gonna happen. Too many rules for renting a flat.
A part of me feels like I won't be living with my roommate next year, and that part
wonders more about the loneliness that I
will feel. Empty house. No real friends.
But Who knows what will happen next year.
We wake up everyday not knowing if we're going to be alive for the rest of the day, hoping that we'll see tomorrow.
Life is weird. Even when nothing is happening,
something would be.
See you soon,
Sincerely...