Nothing for My Thoughts

Middle

They say 'Without pain and suffering, we would not know happiness and joy.'
But when does it end?
When does the pain go away?
Why is there no middle ground.
When do I get to be content.
When do I get to feel safe?
People tend to forget that those who suffer do not look for happiness but look for safety. Rest.
I am not asking to be the richest of the rich - I am asking to have enough to live for the coming days.
Some people don't have to ask and for that I envy them.
Some people have to beg and for that I pray for a better world.
Here, I am the middle ground. I cannot live my life in ignorance and bliss, but I cannot say that my knees are bruised.
I tend to forget what breaks me. But it does every single time.
I've learned that hurt never goes away. It is an open wound that never stops bleeding. You'd think that you bled out already, but somehow it has an endless supply.
Therefore, It is clear to me now that being content is a skill, not a result.
Being happy exists only in the movies - and the afterlife - in the promised land of peace.
They say that angels hear you when you cry, and report back to God. God does not like to see us in that state, so the cause of your pain does not go unpunished.
It makes me wonder:
- When will it be my turn to be better?
- Am I the one being punished?
•  I don't recalling doing anything that
would hurt a soul.

Yet again, I am stuck in the middle ground.
Confused. Bleeding out. In pain.
Blaming myself because I knew better. But I could not be better.