International

Chapter 11

On Saturday Juniper and I showed Mila and Jasper around the city. Our favorite spots over the past month. Our favorite shops, restaurants, our favorite place to chill at Hyde park, things like that. Weirdly though Jasper had been acting kind of distant from Juniper. I was almost positive he cheated on her. I decided to confront him after I was done talking to Joe. Joe. Right. Shit. I have to talk to Joe tonight, unfortunately.
We sat down under the tree at Hyde park that we loved. We were criss cross applesauce in a little circle.
"So tonight is the night you talk to Joe." Mila said.
"Yep." I nodded along. I had really been trying to not think about it.
"What are you going to do?" Jasper asked.
"Long distance is messy and it's not like I can pack up and move to London to be with a guy that I've know for a total of a month and a half." It's been sitting in the back of my mind all month.
"Well you love him don't you?" Jasper asked. I looked over to Juniper because she had obviously told him.
"Sorry." Juniper said because I'm sure she could sense the daggers behind my eyes.
"Ooooo love. Have you even ever been in love?" Mila asked.
"Nope." I replied.
Mila looked at me and put he hand on her shoulder "Rach we all saw the way you were with him last night. We really like him and we've never seen you this happy. You can't let this one go. If long distance is what it takes then so be it."
She had an excellent point.
At 7 I arrived at Joe's flat. He opened the door with a towel over his shoulder. He was cooking. Cute.
"Hey" he said as he pulled my hand into the kitchen where he was cooking stir fry. His specialty.
He went back to the chicken he was stirring around in a pan.
"It looks great." I said as I gave him a quick kiss on the neck.
He put the wooden spoon down for a minute and turned around. He grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me. I wanted it to last forever. I wanted to remember every moment of our kiss for when I went home.
He pulled away when the chicken started to smell like it was burning.
"Oh shit." He said as he started to see smoke. "Alright well we know the chicken is dead for sure." He said as he was taking the chicken out of the pan. "I really can't have you around when I'm cooking. You distract me."
I laughed a little but I was still thinking about later. If I knew Joe he was too but he was just trying to hide it.
We sat down at the table and ate the food he made. He was honestly a much better cook than I was. We talked and laughed and flirted over dinner but we never talked about California.
"You're telling me it was stuck open for two hours?" He was practically dying of laughter after I told him my story about dislocating my jaw.
"Yep and the nurse kept trying to ask me questions but you know of course I couldn't answer." We were both putting out dinner dishes in the sink. We both walked over to the couch. The laughter died and we knew what we had to do.
"So." He said while brushing his hair back and nervously adjusting his shirt.
"So." I said.
"What are we going to do?" He asked me. He gently grabbed my hand.
"I'm not sure. Long distance sucks but it seems like it's our only option."
"I just hate that it is. Long distance is just so hard." He was looking at the ground now.
"I know but it's the only thing that makes sense." I was trying to stay calm.
"I mean it's not the only thing. You could just m-" I knew exactly where he was going with this.
"Joe I can't just move to London. I have a job in California." I was a little offended that he would even suggest that I give up my career to move across the world.
"Well I can't move to California I have work here." He was starting to get a little loud which is good because I wanted to get loud too.
"Well Joe I can't pack up and leave you aren't even my b-" He stood up and cut me off before I could finish my thought.
"Your boyfriend? Trust me Rachel I know!"
I stood up and matched his volume "You knew exactly what you were agreeing to when we started this!" Right now I was really hoping Caspar wasn't home.
"What is this Rachel? What are we doing?! You're not my girlfriend. I want you to be but you don't seem to want that! So please tell me exactly what this is!" He was turning red. I had never seen him shout before. Honestly it was kind of hot but I was too upset to kiss him right now.
"Joe you know I don't want to hurt you. You said you were ok with what we were doing! What ever happened to you not settling down?!" I knew I didn't mean some of the things I was saying but when I get worked up I liked to go for what I knew would have an impact. A terrible habit of mine.
"Well you know how I said I never met that girl?!" He breathed in and out and this time his voice was quieter. "You're the girl. I love you."
Hearing this should have made me kiss him. It should have made me run into his arms. But it didn't. It made me upset. I didn't want to be that girl. A month ago I would have loved to be that girl but something about being it made me sad. I knew that if I was that girl then I would be the one to hurt him the most. If long distance went sour then I would be the one who broke his heart. I knew how that felt and I didn't want to do that to him.
"Joe you can't put me in this position." I was now on the verge of tears.
"You don't love me then." His face dropped into an expression that broke my heart. I had to get out of there. My heart was swelling in my chest yet beating a thousand miles a minute. My stomach felt like it was going to fall.
"Joe I can't do this right now." I ran out of his apartment before the tears started flowing.
I got a cab back to my temp apartment.
I unlocked the door absolutely exhausted. I wiped away the tears on the ride back so June, Mila, or Jasper wouldn't ask me what happened.
When I opened the door I saw Jasper sitting alone on the couch. He looked distraught.
"Hey what's wrong Jasp." I said as I noticed his pensive face. June or Mila were no where to be seen.
He patted the seat next to him. I did as he told me and sat next to him. I figured he was going to tell me why he has been so distant from Juniper. I just assumed he cheated on her. I was ready to yell at him if I needed to. Jasper had become my friend over this past year but I would always be there for Juniper first.
It was a while before he got out what he wanted to say. "I'm gay." He said in one big breath.
"What?" Was all I could think to say. I was not expecting it at all. "How wha-" more genius words from my mouth.
"I guess I always knew deep down. But you know I grew up in Missouri and it wasn't really accepted there so I always told myself I liked girls. When I got to California to play my music I met Juniper and I really liked her personality and she was obviously gorgeous so I told myself I liked her." I knew it took a lot for him to say.
"Wow. But a whole year Jasper?" I asked him.
"I know I know. I should have broken it off sooner but I didn't really think it was a big thing until you guys left and I was by myself and I figured it out. I guess I just felt like I was in a relationship with my best friend." I got what he meant.
"I support you Jasper and I still love you." I gave him a hug. I knew it took a lot for him to tell me.
"Did you tell Juniper?"
"Yah I did. She understood. She's upset but she said loves me no matter what. She actually went to go talk to you. I told her you were at Joe's why aren't you there now?" I gave him an honest answer because he was honest with me.
"I don't know. We had an argument and I think I blew it." I buried my face in my hands.
"What? Rachel. I saw the way you looked at him at dinner last night. That's love." He had a point. "I know you're scared to hurt him but you can't keep shying away from everything. This boy would be lucky to even have you so he deserves an effort from you. I know you love him." He was looking into my eyes and telling me exactly what I needed to here. "Love is about taking risks. If life presents you with a person like this, you can't just let it go." And that's when I knew exactly what I needed to do.
I needed to march back to Joe's apartment and tell him I love him.
"You're right. I'm going to go back there." I picked up my purse from the couch.
"Good. And if you see June on your way, give her a hug. I'll wait up for her." I really respected that Jasper was going to remain friends with her.
"Will do." I hopped out the door and took another cab back to where I was not 20 minutes ago.
Joe's door was surprisingly open. Was he waiting for me to come back? I didn't care. I walked right in and saw Joe sitting on his couch. Only he wasn't alone. He was with Juniper. And they were kissing.