International

Chapter 12

I was so stunned. I didn't even know what to do. Everything shut down for a full 5 seconds. When I came back they had stopped and they were very frantic trying explain themselves. Juniper was yelling something like "Rachel I am so sorry I didn't mean it!" But I couldn't understand her that well because Joe was talking at the same time saying something like "I can explain."
I didn't want to listen to either one of them. So I did what I could only think to do and I walked out of his apartment, slamming the door behind me.
I started walking down the street. I just wanted fresh air and I didn't want to get in a car right now. I was on the verge of tears and I was shaking. I can't believe that either one of them would do that to me. I have stuck up for Juniper a lot of fucking times and she stabs me in the back. And God I can't believe I was worried about hurting Joe when he was the problem. It was chilly out and it was quite except for the sound of a door opening and closing.
"Rachel!" I heard Joe shout behind me. I just kept walking. "Rachel. Rachel!" I heard him getting closer but nothing was going to stop me.
"Rachel!" I heard one more time before he grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. This is when the tears broke.
"What?! What Joe what do you want?!" I had never been this upset over anyone before. And now I remembered exactly why I never got in too deep.
"I want to apologize." He said. He was upset but not the same upset that I was. I didn't even want to look into his eyes that I once found enchanting.
"You know what? No." It was time that I finally give someone a piece of my mind "fuck you Joe. And you know what fuck the fact that I thought I loved you." The tears were coming faster.
"You love me?" He asked. I heard his voice crack which somehow made me see him as human for a split second and not someone who broke my heart.
"Loved. As in past tense." I was just trying to hold it in before I broke down.
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." His cheeks were redder than I had ever seen them before.
"Yah see I would but you fucking kissed my best friend so thanks but no thanks." Sarcastic me was back which was a good sign. Before he could say anything I turned on my heels and walked away. I didn't look back.
For some reason I was more mad at Joe than at Juniper. I was pissed but she had just found out her boyfriend of a year was gay so she was probably disgruntled. I just wish she didn't try to find comfort in Joe's mouth. I guess I could see why Joe did it too. Disgruntled, looking for comfort.
It pissed me off but I wasn't blind.
I arrived back at my apartment after I finally gave up on walking and took the subway. I told Mila and Jasper what happened. They were both shocked and didn't know how to react but they gave me a hug anyway.
I went straight to my room and made a call.
"Hi yes I would like to change my flight from tomorrow to the soonest thing you have going to LA." I was in luck. They had a flight leaving in two hours at midnight. I grabbed the suitcase I packed yesterday and headed to the airport. Mila and Jasper understood.
Within 11 hours I was home. I flopped down on my own bed and went to sleep almost all the way through Sunday.
That Monday I had still refused to leave my room since June and Mila got back. I didn't want to face anyone. I turned off my phone to ignore all the texts and calls that I got from Joe.
At around 4 in the afternoon Mila came into my room.
"Rachel." She knocked but it didn't make a difference because she came in anyway. I was watching Bob's Burgers on Netflix.
"Rachel we need to talk about everything that happened." She sat down on my bed. Mila was good at making me feel better. I think her yoga training helped her be so calm and reassuring.
"I know about the issues you've had in the past. I have an idea of how you are feeling now. You are beating yourself because you got close to Joe." She was right. "You're upset that someone you though was your friend did that to you." Right again. "But you can't let this influence you. I talked to Juniper. She was upset about Jasper and she would have never have done anything to intentionally hurt you. She is sorry and she wants to apologize when you are ready. People fuck up all the time. You can't let someone else guide how you live your life. You can't just not get close to anyone ever again. Sometimes in life you just have to fall. You'll scrape your knee a few times but you'll heal and get back up again." Unfortunately. She was right.
"Thank you." I said. She patted my blanket cacoon and left.
She was 100% right and I hate that it took me so long to see it. I shouldn't let myself never get close to anyone just from the actions of a few. I wasn't ready to forgive Juniper just yet but I knew I would. I could forgive Joe but it didn't mean anything would get better. We would still back at square one. But at least I would be so afraid anymore. I was so sick and tired of being afraid. Not everyone was going to hurt me and I knew that now.
A week passed and I decided to forgive June. Her apologies were relentless and I knew she never meant to hurt me. It was hard and I knew it'd be a while before I trusted her again but I still was willing to work on that.
I had been trying to completely avoid Joe so none of my feelings would return. I never checked his Twitter or Instagram. I never even watched his videos. Anything I could do to not remember how much I fell for him.
A month passed before I really thought hard about Joe again. I received a package in the mail. It had no return address but I opened it anyway.
Inside was a VIP pass to vidcon. I had completely forgot about vidcon. It was happening two days from now. I forgot all my favorite youtubers and new friends would be there. The only youtubers I really had talked to since London were Tyler, when we had lunch at Lemonade, and Andrea, when she invited me out for a beach bonfire with her friends. Inside the package was a note that I unfolded.
It didn't say much but it meant enough.

Joe misses you. Please come. -Caspar

I was not expecting it at all. Caspar Lee was far from a sentimental person so I knew I should take this seriously.