What she left Behind | ONGOING

CHAPTER 07

───── Derek ─────

If I don't ask Chloe now what her problem is, I might never have an answer. I truly don't care what people think about me, obviously. But this is different. I genuinely feel curious about why she can't stand me that much.

"Well?" I motion for her to begin with an explanation, but she doesn't, she just stares at me, probably wishing I would stop with the inquisition.

"Why do you care what I think?" she asks instead, and I want to facepalm myself because she is still avoiding my question.

"I usually don't but. . . I don't know, I guess I've been wanting to ask you about this for a while."

She gets out of my grip, and it makes me realize that I haven't noticed I was still holding her arm so she wouldn't leave. I just know that once Chloe begins to walk away, she will not talk about this anymore.

"You probably can't handle what I am thinking," she says, and it makes me chuckle a little.

"Why don't you try me, huh? Come on, we've been delaying this conversation for quite some time. Now or never."

She steps back and places her arms on each side of her hips. Her expression became defiant.

"You're immature and you can't take anything seriously. I don't hate you exactly, I hate the way you deal with everything. Like with Savannah's death, for example."

I can't begin to explain the amount of feelings that rushed inside me in a matter of seconds. I can understand the immaturity part—I've been known to be someone who loves to joke around. But the mention of Savannah's death and how that is linked to me not taking it seriously, has been a punch to the gut.

"What?" I say through gritted teeth.

"You heard me," she's trying so hard to stand her ground and all I want to do is tell her how wrong she is. How can she think something like that?

"I heard you. I just can't believe the amount of bullshit that came out of your mouth."

She fumbles a little, maybe regretting saying that in the first place. But she is a stubborn person and probably will never admit that she has taken this too far.

"You haven't shown any type of emotion regarding her death. At the funeral, you just vanished instead of being with everyone. To top it all off, you come here as if this is summer vacation, joking around, jumping inside the lake, I mean why are you even here?"

"I came here to reconnect with the good memories I've had with my fiancé in this place. Not everyone deals with tragedies crying their eyes out and moping around."

She seems taken aback by my outburst. I stare at her, trying to calm down a little bit so I don't say anything too offensive at such a delicate moment like this.

"Why did you leave the funeral?" she asks.

She doesn't need that kind of explanation, "why does it matter?" I ask instead.

She shrugs, "You should've been there, Derek, but you left."

I stare at her in disbelief, "are you accusing me of not caring enough? That she died and I'm just continuing my life as if nothing happened? As if I didn't love her at all?"

Her silence gives me the answer I wish she wasn't thinking.

"I couldn't stay, Chloe. Not because I didn't care, but because I cared the most," I reply but she doesn't seem convinced and that makes my blood boil even more.

She isn't convinced I loved Savannah.

"That doesn't make sense," she replies, causing me to roll my eyes in annoyance. The tables have turned, and now I'm annoyed with her.

"It does, actually. You just don't get it. I couldn't stand being there. It was a reminder that the incident happened, it really happened. I didn't want to be in a room full of people that reminded me that the only person that ever believed in me, is gone. You know how that feels, right?"

She nods.

"Exactly, you know because you lost her too. Now imagine this: I was going to marry her. I chose to spend the rest of my life with her and that day will never come. I came here to honor her, Chloe, you and I just have different ways to do that."

She stays quiet, probably realizing what she has said but honestly, I don't care. Even if we're outside, I can hardly breathe. Since the tragedy happened, I haven't been able to say all these things that have been running through my head nonstop. By trying to relax and not think about this, I have been able to block these feelings so they wouldn't hurt, but now they're out and it is making my chest feel tight and my heart ache.

For a moment, I feel my eyes sting as if warning me that tears are approaching. But I promised myself I would be strong not only for myself but for Savannah as well.

"Derek—"

"I have to go," I cut her off. I can't keep talking about this, I've already said too much. It hurts, it truly hurts.

Make it stop.

I began walking, but I didn't hear her behind me, and it made me stop and turn to look at her.

"Are you coming or what?" I ask, making her seem confused.

"Um, I thought—"

"I am mad right now that you accused me of something like that, but that doesn't mean that I will leave you wandering this place alone. So, let's go, Chloe."

She doesn't complain and follows right behind me. We stay quiet for the rest of the way to the lakehouse. When we arrived, it seemed as if she wanted to say something, but I didn't want to listen to her anymore. I need some time alone.

I walk up the stairs and go inside my room. I lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling, thinking about Savannah and all the things I admitted to Chloe that I haven't been able to process. Well, I guess there's no turning back.

My thoughts and feelings are now exposed, and I have no excuse but to deal with them.