The Diary of the Infamous

One day we heal.

Here's the thing about healing, it happens without you realizing it.

One day you are crumpled in a ball on the ground clutching your chest and begging for the healing to come.

Then, one day, without even realizing it, you're better.

I used to think healing happened all at once. I thought that there would be one single moment when it would all click and everything would suddenly be, okay.

It's funny to hear myself say that, because I sound like a naive little girl who has never really experienced something that really hurt.

But I have.

More than one or two things.

I feel like I have spent a lifetime healing.

I think what the real issue was, is that I had never been in between heartbreaks long enough to truly heal.

I would have a moment when I suddenly felt like everything was okay again. However, being okay usually stemmed from a place of necessity rather than a true feeling of breathing normally without the weight of the world sitting on my chest.

But, what I can tell you now is that is not at all how healing works. If you believe it is, then you have yet to heal.

Healing doesn't look like jumping out of bed one Sunday morning with a smile on your face and pep in your step.

I like to call that particular occurrence, avoidance.

Healing is waking up and dragging yourself out of bed no matter how heavy your heart feels in your stomach.

Healing is shuffling through your closet and remembering the way your favorite pants used to make you feel.

Healing is seeing a sunset and recalling the sweet tinge of your favorite color.

Healing is walking through the aisles of a Marshall's entirely alone, bravely facing the memory of interlocked pinkies and Friday night shopping with the love of your life.

Healing is a million different things.

But it is not just being okay.

It's accepting the fact that there is no one in love with you, but knowing that it doesn't make your existence irrelevant.

I thought that there would never be a day I happily watched the sun rise again.

Yet, I have suddenly caught myself peeking through the blinds on a weekday morning seeing the first rays of light.

Healing does not cause a lack of love.

If it did, it would be hate.

Healing is wishing all of the love in the world to the boy 6 hours away that once held the key to your heart.