A while back I emailed mr. B about some questions and doubts I had been having, and this was his response. I don't doubt there's others that need to hear this. So here's a little wisdom he gave me when I was struggling with complacency.
I don't necessarily agree personally with some things he said, but maybe there's something in here you need to hear.
Why are you happier now that you are "far from God" or playing the role of mild rebel? It's because it's easy, and as humans (and especially Americans) we like things really, really easy. I am not going to throw the Bible at you (I think that would only make things worse) but I will use some allusions to it. First being; we come from an animal nature. We are animals after all; biological creatures with biological wants and needs - food, water, sex, affection, social acceptance, etc. These needs aren't good or bad, they just are. We have been given a free will to use these needs, either for good or for evil. We can either act like animals, or behave as gods; those are our two options. God's whole program is to turn us into the latter, into gods (sorry I am going to throw one Bible reference out there - but this is the only one I promise! John 10:34) But it is super hard work because we aren't used to it. Habits, especially habits ingrained in us over millennia, are extremely hard to break. And so we are programmed with (we didn't get to choose it unfortunately - it just happened) these habits (animal nature if you will) that God is trying to enlighten, or evolve.
You are happier because it's easier to stay the same, it's easier to be an animal, than it is to be an angel. It's easier to not try than to try. It's easier to go with whatever feels good. It's easier to not evolve.
Think of any bad habit you have, or a bad habit of someone you know. Why don't you, or they, just stop? Can't you see it's hurting you? My bad habit is biting my fingernails. I bite them till they bleed and then I get really bad ingrown nails and they swell and they hurt like the dickens. It's stupid. Why don't I just stop? Well...I can't. Most the time I don't even think of it, and the other times I can't help myself - no will power. It brings me comfort to bite my nails (especially when I am stressed) because it's easier than to do otherwise, that is, to use healthy alternatives to calm my anxiety. Which one is better though? Which is better for me? For you?
My guess is, just based off of what you've given me, is that it's easier to not try than to try, and that is a huge burden off of your back. Plus, you have "evidence" that when you don't try as hard you are a lot happier, and good things happen. The equation you were operating with was, "The amount of effort I put in (m), with God is faithfulness (x), will equal I am going to have a really great relationship and things will go really well (y)." And you are left with this really simple equation for a line (mx=y) that slopes up to the right forever. You were doing your part by exerting a lot of effort (i.e. reading your Bible, praying, singing worship songs) but the result (y) just sucked. You weren't feeling it. Therefore, there must have been something amiss with God (x). Well, since you don't control the (x) you figured why try? It seems as if the (y) is completely arbitrary, unpredictable, and therefore not worth your effort.
I would totally agree...if that truly was the equation and those were the only variables. But they are not the only factors in this equation - there are like near infinity other variables that go into whether or not you are gelling with God or not. There are spiritual agents that play a role (angels/demons, Satan), there are other people who affect you, there are cultural influences, your school makes a difference, what you eat day to day makes a difference, your physiological and neurological make up makes a difference...on and on and on! The world isn't as simple as "If I try hard, me and God are going to be tight". I wish it were, but that's not reality.
Now, that doesn't mean that you "doing all the right things" isn't a factor; it is! It is just not THE determining factor. There is no THE determining factor - everything has a say and it is a super complex reality that is unfortunately largely hidden from us and probably would be unintelligible even if it wasn't masked. Things aren't arbitrary, they are just super complex.
The last part of your query was "Why is it that I wasn't finding satisfaction in being completely sold out for Christ?" That is an excellent question. I ask myself why I am so committed to God frequently when it seems like this life path flat out sucks. It's not real fun to be longing for a thing nobody else cares about, or even sees. It's a lonely endeavor that makes more enemies than friends, or so it seems. And so why would God seemingly call us to misery? Truth be told, I don't think He did. I trust Him when He says He called us to glory, and the fact is evident when you see this whole Christian thing actually work.
Let me start by asking this; what was this "satisfaction" you expected in return for following Christ? To feel good? To be happy? To have your wants/needs met? I think the problem that most of us have when we approach God is false and unrealistic expectations. I know you have probably heard this a million times before, but it's kind of true; we treat God a little like a genie. He grants wishes. His purpose is to make us happy (doesn't it say so in the Bible? ;). Well...yeah God says we are to be fulfilled, joyful, even happy, but those terms are probably going to be a little different after we've grown up a little bit. Sorry for the crass example but I am reminded of an analogy C.S. Lewis made once (you knew he was going to make an entrance sometime). He said it's like trying to explain the joy of sex to a child whose highest joy known to him is eating chocolate. The child has absolutely no idea how sex could bring joy if not for the fact that the two people involved were eating chocolate while they made love. God does want the best for us, but that best is probably going to look a little different than our infantile projections of "best". We can think only of the chocolate. God knows there's a lot more to life and joy and love than chocolate and that's what He wants for us. His satisfaction probably looks a little different than ours.
So again I ask, what is your idea of satisfaction? I would say, after having sloughed through my life up until this point, for me satisfaction looks a lot more like shedding my animal nature discussed above, and less like me being able to act like an animal that eats whatever and whenever I want, having sex with whoever, being needy of other people's attention and affection, and so on. Satisfaction looks a lot like freedom for me; being free of instincts that hinder me from becoming a god in the flesh, a moral creature that has the character of the Christ. Satisfaction looks like being genuinely good, because in the end good is better than evil.
Abby, I have said a lot here and quite possibly none of it has made sense :) If that is the case the error lies in my inability to communicate truth and not in the truth itself. There are answers to your questions and I would encouraging you to both keep asking and keep searching. If this was a little too much to chew on, or things were confusing, let me know and maybe I can simplify a little more.
Here is my advice in general though- stop reading the Bible...for a little while at least. :) Didn't see that one coming did you? I find that Christians tend to substitute a relationship with the person of God for reading the Bible, thinking that everything God has to say He has already said. Not the case at all- He's always talking, even now. What I would do instead is read literature. Read classics. In them you will find the Bible being retold over and over again throughout history and in different people's lives. If you want to see grace read Les Miserables. If you want to see devotion to a cause read Lord of the Rings or Dracula. If you want to see the weight of sin, read Crime and Punishment. Read Narnia to see reality as it really is. Read Brave New World to see the eventual future consequences of sins committed now in the present. Read of Mice and Men, Don Quixote, Frankenstein...read these "real life" examples of the Bible now. Read fairy tales and give yourself a story to believe in. After reading your email I think you have fallen victim to the disease that is running rampant in our society; the inability to feel wonder and to use our imagination. Reclaim those things and you'll see God EVERYWHERE.
