Rick's Death

Rick's Death Chpter 6

Rick finished with his session with Gail and later went up to the hospital chapel searching for an answer to why he had all that guilt from everything that happened over the last 2 years. To him, it just seemed like all he had left was the burden of the guilt and then the sense of anger because he couldn't find it in himself to cope that Lesley was gone.

" I guess you figured I should be grateful huh grateful to you that I have my kids that they're thriving and they're going along okay... I guess you thought I could believe that you care about my family and I... Where was your so-called compassion and careness when my wife was suffering or when she couldn't even get through a night without gasping for a breath… Where were you as she suffered and couldn't get better" Rick snapped out but tried to get in control “ You took my wife away from me, you didn't care that she had a family she had her kids to see grow up. You just took her from us.” 

Watching Rick from a distance, Lesley saw the pain Rick was in. There was no question that she didn't see or feel how broken Rick had been from the second she had passed away... It was almost as if she could picture living in a separate reality where she was in his place and going through the same that he is... Except she was sadly the one that had died and he had to go on without her..

" Some answers can't be found... Even when we try so hard to look...." Lesley laid a hand on Rick's shoulder

“ You can’t keep going this way Rick. you have so much you could be doing for yourself you have so much to give.” Lesley sat next to Rick in her own way.

“ There’s nothing that I would care to do Lesley. Nothing means anything to me without you.” Rick replied and stood up “ Rick you don’t mean that. I know you don’t…. Please tell me you don’t really mean that.” Lesley replied in a shocked response.

" I miss you Lesley, I miss you so much... I don't know what I'm doing without you...." 

" Yes you do.... Rick you know more than you have allowed yourself to... There are things that none of us can understand. Even I don't seem to understand why I couldn't get better again and why I had to be the one to suffer as much as I did.... You can do so much if you allow yourself to look into yourself if you just believe into yourself..." Lesley looked at Rick right in the eyes 

" Lesley it's not that easy alright I don't know who to be without you.... You were my bull... My navigation to how to get through the day you kept me grounded to the floor and..... The day after tomorrow I was supposed to be able to wake up and surprise you as you would be turning 50 and instead I get to wake up before the kids do to sit in our little side room not counting after I bring you outside for our little dawn routine that we always had together then I will be back inside and I get to sit by your urn on what supposed to be your birthday. Lesley it just wasn't supposed to be this way you should be here alive."  Rick turned around and sat down 

Steve, Gail and Audrey were around the corner about to walk by while hearing Rick in the chapel assuming they were hearing Rick talking to himself

" I think I better see if Rick is alright!" Steve said but Gail stopped him 

" I think that would be a very bad mistake Steve... Rick is facing very deep and serious demons surrounding with losing Lesley... During today's session he really couldn't understand what I meant as I suggested that he has to forgive himself... I think stopping him from getting his anger out now will really set him back." Gail answered

Rick tried to calm himself just enough where he could feel that he was still in control but he knew beyond a doubt in his head, that he was slowly losing control to what he felt was left of his life.

" Rick, we can't always change what happens to us… what happens to anyone I knew from the start the moment I was told the very second that I had Leukemia… that this was gonna be a battle I very well could lose with the chances and the history in my family starting back to my grandmother.. and for every single day I lied to you I am sorry Rick that I kept it from you."