Changes - Stay with me

Routh

10 years later

The world is spinning around me.
Again.
I already got used to it.
It is very often.
The first time it happened I was 17.
I found the wine at my grandparent's house.
It wasn't a good idea but it felt great, I forgot everything.
Gut shit I remember how it ended up.
But now that I am 21 I don't need to use the cellar of my grandparents.
I sigh out loud, when I remember what i did to the little me.

I kind of killed her.

I drop the bottle on the floor in front of me.

Shit, what did I do to my life?

I take a sip of the cigarette in my other hand.
I think back to what little me would have sad if they saw me like this.
She would think I'm a mess.

I want to vomit.
What the hell am I doing?
It's my 21st birhtday.
Other girls would throw a party, get drunk for the very first time and...
Actually I don't know what other girls my age would be doing. I only know what I'd be doing if I wouldn't be such a mess.
But I don't have nobody to throw a party with. I have already been drunk, very often, actually.

I'm a mess.

I'm lying drunk on my floor, a bottle of wine in my hand, a cigarette in the other one.
I'm sorry, little me, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Aron, I know I've let you down.
I'm sorry, Mum, I'm sorry, Dady, you would be really ashamed if you saw me like this, I know.

I try walking to the toilet, ready to vomit because my life makes me want to, but sadly I just can't.
I try to make me by sticking my finger in my mouth, but I can't make me vomit.
I begin to cry. There's nothing I want more than vomiting.
But there are no tears left.
I take the bottle of wine from the floor and finish it. I try putting it to the other ones of the day.

I'm a mess.

I throw the last rest of the cigarette on my kitchen table and throw myself onto the couch.

Where are my tears?

Why can't I just vomit when I want to?