Changes - Stay with me

Routh

4 years later

I still got scars from my first time of drinking alcohol.
One stayed in my personality, the other one is a cut of the rope on my throat. It hurt really bad back then but I couldn't hold on to the rope.
I had to wear a scarf for weeks, saying I had a sore throat. I know most people thought I only wanted to get attention but in reality all I wanted was not to get the attention I would have gotten if wouldn't have been wearing the scarf.
But of course they didn't know.
How would they?
The only one knowing was Aron.
And nobody could ask Aron.

I sighed as I looked into the mirror. I had a bad headache, but I didn't have no alcohol anymore, no cigarettes and nothing else to drown the pain in. The only thing I found while searching, was a letter. Of my bank.

Shit, shit, shit.

The amount of money on my account was in the negative.
I would end up on the street.
I can't find a job and without a job I won't be able to afford my apartment, my water, the electricity.

Shit.

I think I kind of fucked up.

I take a glass of water and search for an aspirin. I'll have to search all of the things I have and put them in bags.
Maybe I'll be able to sell some things and make a little money. I'll end up on the street anyway, but I'll need to eat something.

And in order to eat something, I will need money. Of course I could make some money by just sitting there like all the other street guys, but I don't want to directly start just like that.
I am sorry for the little me, I know I didn't end up as the person she dreamed of being.
Maybe I just fucked up.
I know, how the little me would look at me if she would pass by. She would be disgusted.

Shit.

I didn't want that to happen. Never.
But sometimes you just can't prevent things from happening, sometimes they just do.
And in my life there are a lot of these thins that happen although you try your best not to make them.
I know that's messed up, I realize every time I look at the Instagram and Facebook posts of my childhood friends and see how they are perfectly following their dreams.

I never post anything on Instagram or Facebook, I mean what?
My life just isn't romantic, aesthetic or anything like that.
It isn't that kind of life the people want to see, they want to see happiness, perfection or the dreams that are coming true.
Maybe they even want to see other things, I don't relate to them and can't understand what they want.
I don't even have a clue what they see in living, can't understand, what makes them stay.

You could call me depressed, but actually depression is such a misunderstandable word.

I think everybody would find another reason for it, maybe there are even extremely different definitions.

There are people that get depression because of losing their home.
Home can be a lot of things, it could be your country, because of a war or your parent's job. It could be your house and there are different reasons too.
But home can also mean losing a person or losing your family.

There are people that have a trauma that's bringing their depression with it.

Some people just can't handle the high beauty standards or their personality, which could also be a reason for depression.

Or having toxic people around you could get you depressed.

Overthinking too much and searching for the sense of live could be another reason for depression.

But at the end depression is such a big word for such a lot of bad things and nobody wants to admit having a such problem. At the end of the day they tell themselves it's not that bad and surely everybody has these problems.
And for now I just want to say one thing: NOT everybody has depression.
AND WHAT IF IT WON'T JUST END ITSSELF? WHAT IF IT ENDS YOU?

I sigh. There are different ways to handle depressions and I was sure my way never was the right one.
I know I should visit a therapy but I'm too insecure to open up to other people.
I don't want to be somebody's burden and even less I want to be somebody's job.
And moreover I don't even have the money to go to a therapy.
If I had a friend of mine having depression, I know, I would tell them to go to a therepy, but if you're the one having the depression you know how hard it is to push yourself to going.

I take another aspirin. My head still hurts. I should search for some things to sell.
I should take a shower, it'll be hard to do that very soon.
I should brush my teeth.
I should wash my clothes.
I should do the dishes.
There are a lot of things I should do and I know that.
But the only thing I really want to do right now is lying down on the couch and sleep.