Firefly || Mezo Shoji

26. I Love You

Hosu city flashed by the car window, just a blurred picture of colours and lights. A bump in the road thumped my head lightly against the glass, knocking my focus from the recurring thoughts inside my head and to the indistinct images outside.

I had barely spoken to Shoji since leaving the girl's bathroom, and the words that did manage to escape came out as a stammering mess. The moment he saw me walk back into the room he knew something was wrong, that something had happened in that time apart. But I couldn't possibly tell him the real reason.

The biggest bombshell of the century had just been dropped onto my life and I needed time to process it. I needed to be alone. Somehow, I had managed to spurt out an excuse—something along the lines of a migraine. He didn't question me, just called a taxi without a second thought.

I nodded and shook my head when necessary, but never looking his way. After what Ashido had told me I couldn't bring myself to look Shoji in the eye.

I was in a state of denial. The idea that my best friend could be in love with me, and had been for so many years just seemed implausible. No one could sustain intense feelings like that for so many years without anything in return, that just didn't seem possible. And the fact that only minutes before Ashido's reveal I had been convinced that he was going to set things straight and tell me that we were only friends. That whatever feelings I might have felt were nothing but my imagination. It was a shock to the system.

With a glance to my side, I looked at Shoji. He was quiet and his eyes weren't giving anything away. Held in a fixed stare at the road ahead, a stoic semblance in them. I was worried that I may have upset him. That my sudden urge to leave had ruined the evening, but with my inability to speak and his mask concealing the full expression beneath, there was no way to know.

We got out of the taxi, in silence. We walked through the lobby, in silence. Though we didn't speak it didn't stop him from keeping a hand on my lower back. The beep of the elevator button being pressed finally broke that stillness. I watched Shoji's finger dither for a moment, hanging above the lit-up button. I turned my head a fraction, expecting him to speak up but he didn't.

Years of memories, happy teenage recollections, and recent events flooded my head as the elevator rose floor by floor. I began to question every part of our friendship. Was love the true agenda behind it all? Have I really been so naive these past 12 years?

Then again, this was based on the word of an intoxicated woman. All of this could be wrong, a misunderstanding for all I knew.

Then speak to him.

I walked into the apartment first, eyes down and gripping firmly onto the edges of my shawl as I swiftly kicked off my heels and nudged them to the side of the hallway.

"Can I get you anything? Water? Tea? Something for your head?" Shoji asked.

The sudden presence of his deep, rich voice jolted me. I turned to him, only capable of reaching the junction where his collar met his mask. "No thank you. I think I'm just going to try and sleep it off," I replied, barely more than a murmur.

"Okay," he said, softly. "If it's a migraine then it's probably your best bet."

My stomach twisted at hearing the wistful tone in his voice. I could tell that he knew I wasn't really sick, he could always tell when something was bothering me. Usually, it was my hair that gave it away, but I had managed to keep that under control for once.

"Thank you for tonight. It was lovely," I smiled, the corners not quite reaching their potential.

"It was my pleasure."

I hated leaving him in the dark but I just couldn't bring myself to ask what I wanted to know. The question I had been reiterating over and over again in my head.