Life in Pictures

oh god

oh alex, what have you done?

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breakups are never easy, but this feels impossible.
this feels as if life is unfair.
as if the ache will never cease.
as if good days are a lifetime away.
as if the light at the end of the tunnel gets farther and farther each day.

when he left, he took a piece of me with him. i don't feel full. complete.
i loved him with everything i had. now i have nothing left for myself.

life is at a standstill without him in it. what's the point of forward motion if he's not who i'm moving towards.

it hasn't gotten easier.
i was so used to life with him. now it feels so empty with him gone.
every day was a waltz and now he's hung up his dancing shoes forever.

i know he's hurting too and that makes my heart ache even more. i care about him so deeply. if i had three wishes, i would spend them all on his happiness. i wish i could hold him and tell him that it will all be okay.

but
where do i go without him?
who do i turn to, if not to him?
he was my support system, my lifeline, my lantern in the dark, my knight in shining armor.
all severed.
all gone.

i remember our last words.
he said he needed space. time away from me.

maybe he's a liar but i believe him. id like to believe that i know him. his character would never. could never.

but then again...
how do you excuse the inexcusable? can i? should i?
i would let him back in if he asked. does that make me a bad person? self destructive?
why do good men do bad things?
why him? why me?

how do i cope?
he is my coping mechanism.
he fills the gaps and the silence. he keeps evil at bay. he held me close and told me everything was going to be okay.
what do i do without him?
the silence is deafening without his voice to center me. without my loyal defender, all evil is free to occupy my thoughts.
now i sit alone. in a room that gets impossibly bigger with every downward spiral. the walls run in the opposite direction. i'm left alone to sit and think too much.

and then i get lucky and sleep through the night. i'm rational and reasonable again.
life trudges forward. the light at the end of the tunnel is within reach. the other side is in sight.

and then you hear his name.
"oh my god. did you hear about alex?"
or "oh yikes. let's skip this song."
or the deafening silence after. they never know what to say. or how i'll react.
but i do because i know i will desperately clip to the little pieces of him that i have left.

it sounds so stupid and dumb and childish, but he was my person. truly him and i against the world and we were undefeated.

i wish i could go back and tell him that i love him.

and now what to do without him?

i don't know.

so for now...
i'll sit here and wait for my boy to return to me.

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i needed to write down how i was feeling about alex and everything happening in london.

definitely struggling to deal with it.
can you tell? lol

please remember TPWK in the comments. thank you.