Messed Up Nights

7.52ᑭᗰ

Well, why is everyone being such a reminder today?
I mean, why?
In school all and i don't have many but the ones I have if they start crossing boundaries, i don't know what friend circle I have.

They do this everyday, roasting me for getting the lowest marks in the toppers class, constantly spitting the words "You scored lesser than me duh"... I mean, they say this every single day and say "Oh, don't worry do better next time..."

I hate this. But nevertheless I take it as a joke, they take it as a joke. Fine by me.

Today they crossed the boundaries. Two of them precisely. And one of them being a girl, i don't know why and how she is a capricorn, the same sign as mine... I mean capricorns are, you know like they I guess understand people for what they are and how they are. Not stereotyping, but usually we are mature enough to know when we are crossing the lines... Her! I mean what are you?

My mother didn't say this much...
My tuition teacher said what a disappointment.
My other bsf said bro you didn't even study and got so proud
All others said they're fine, chill don't stress.
But she talks about marks all day all night.
She got around 88% and I got like 84%

And the other one just supported her like anything. Idk if I'm being toxic or them. And as I mentioned maybe, small things tear me up and well there is this math teacher, he had 2 periods today.

One went away like nothing, half of the children were not there in class due to some event. Another period and I mean it.

He didn't teach a single word. All the dang period he talked about marks.
If you wish to be in the toppers class next year you have to be extra good. Loosing 10 marks in exam is a hugeee deal for you guys, omg. I bet the lowest must be 85%

And oh my, as he said that line, she turned back and looked at me and laughed.

What have I become? A failure? A laughing stalk? Ur enemy? Did i do something to you?

Makes me feel horrible. Even though I smile at it and laugh about it, idk somewhere it hurts. I should rather probably go study than shitting here but I guess when I have no friend or feel like I don't have a shoulder to cry on, I come here. Idk probably I'll delete this, i don't know why I'm still here. But if you are reading, I mean I won't ever tell you what to do, if you wish to quit reading shit or continue reading, your wish.

Right, and you know today like since the morninggg and I really mean if since the morning, all I heard coming from her mouth was the word "marks". Constantly.

I mean are you not human if you get low marks? Do you become less of a friend if you score below their level? Do you become a laughing stalk? Does no one then feel like talking to you? Does every single teacher have to be (I'm sorry) B*TCH??! I mean do you think I am not aware of the fact that I have scored the lowest???! They say I don't have a heart, I say you don't have a brain and then the thing they say is "Yeah that's why I scored better than you."

I don't. I mean I seriously don't fucking care if you think I'm heartless or brainless. But if you are defining me by what marks I got and all that means are marks to you in this world. I'm sorry.

I'm genuinely sorry. I don't want you to be my friend anymore. I even have friends who score a bit below me. Please for god's sake, I have never in my life criticized them and never do that. Once or twice might be when they say so much to me, ngl, I do say too you scored lower than me in this subject but not to an extent that my ears start to bleed hearing you say "You got less marks than me."

This happened in the last period. I almost started to tear up. I swear I don't want to be a drama queen. Please.

I don't know. In my head I was constantly saying to myself, "Chill, it doesn't matter what they say to you. Its fine."
But somehow I couldn't stop those little tears and oh my. My ears were burning red when my partner, my only bsf who doesn't criticize me on the basis of marks, saw my state. Started saying if I'm crying, stop crying, you shouldn't cry, you'll do better next time... Godd.

Idk I feel like crying so bad rn. Why can't I cry? Well, I feel horrible if I cry. If I don't cry, I still feel horrible.

I stopped talking to those other two. I didn't even want to face them. I felt as if I saw their face, I would break down.

I mean a competition in class is healthy, but so much that you end up making the person in front feel horrible. Idk, how big of a disgrace am I?

Idk feeling so pathetic...
And you know what is even worse? Them knowing that they crossed boundaries and still didn't even try to ask if I felt alright or maybe say they're sorry.

Guess what? They just proved me wrong on so many beliefs of mine.

I mean I always believed that friends are the family you choose. You must feel comfortable enough to share a secret or two and trust them to an extent that they don't expose that secret in front of everyone. Them??!

They literally black mail me for stuff I told them about me. At times I feel like you should never get so close to them...

I mean, is this the family you choose? Can't even trust each other? Leave trust but atleast don't make the person infront feel pathetic. Literal pathetic. They did today.

I still don't know maybe I'm thinking about it too much and they didn't mean it?

I mean trust me, i would never do this as a friend to them and If I do such a thing and we realise how wrong I did, i would immediately feel like the worst person to exist in history and would say sorry to them multiple times or try to make up for what I did.

I know sorry won't make everything alright but atleast it would be acceptance to you being at the fault in that situation.

The other day at dispersal time, well let's give her a name Baka.
So like it's about yesterday, well I was hitting her on the back a couple times i don't exactly remember why but it was for a some reason which was a joke to us.
Well she didn't feel good about it and made a really like irritated face which said "stop doing this to me"

Well, and shes the type of person who hits you so bad when they laugh and she does hit quite badly everyday to me so... We don't take it seriously. But when I hit her back, its offensive. Cool. Though I immediately said sorry four to five times and there we are today.

She didn't have the nerve to say a simple word 'sorry'.

Idk i guess all I wanted to hear was that but guess what I don't need her pity sorries.

If you want to criticize me, criticize me. But not as my friend. I wouldn't call you a friend anymore.

And you know how I am like. Friendships mean a lot to me. They are not empty for me even though idk how worse you are in reality but if you are my friend, think of me as a close friend, I promise I'll accept you for what you are and return the same bond of friendship too. In times of need, I will even stand with you in your difficulties. And never make you feel horrible for what you are or what you did in past.

I would never be a constant reminder to you for your mistakes. I would never call you a failure. To me, you are special so how can I even think of making fun of you in that way?

At times I feel so empty.
Today i was short of some money, I had to pay for some stuff I bought from school, robotics stuff, basically I ordered some parts and well i had to give the money today but forgot to bring the whole amount. I asked baka if she could give me the money she had, i said I would return it positively tmrw. She said no to me on asking her two times.

Well my other friends sitting behind, asked me, what do you want it for? I told them the reason and he was like,"Hey baka, you should give it to her." And she still said no then I was like okay okay don't need it, you keep it, nevermind, its fine.

Bro, I swead if there was a close friend of mine asking me for money which I don't really need and they could use it for some good purpose, i would gladly give them the money.

Idk what's with her. My bsf2 later provided me. Thankful to her.
Anyways too much for today literally too much.

Like omge 1606 words.

Thankyou (⁠´⁠∩⁠｡⁠•⁠ ⁠ᵕ⁠ ⁠•⁠｡⁠∩⁠'⁠)⁠ 
Stay safe and healthy ❤️
Sending love and peace ✌️
Byee.

8.54pm