Lily
It was Monday, but this very Monday Lily didn't feel like going to lessons at all. She felt horrible and confused and horrible. Everything seemed to decide not to go her way. Her friends were still mad at her and she had no idea whether she really liked James or not, but even if she did everything was ruins now since she had acted like a real prat towards him. She just wished that she hadn't kissed him, then everything would be great and easy and she could continue just being his friend.
She had been paying attention very poorly that day in class and she had noticed that for once James hadn't been fooling around in potion and Herbology. She wondered if that had something to do with her. She felt so mean she had to struggle look at him, but it didn't matter because no one of the marauders even glanced at her direction.
She sat alone during lunch since she figured that no one would want to sit next to her. After lunch it was time for history of magic, something that Lily had longed for. She wanted to speak with Remus because she was sure he would understand, though the sureness disappeared when she ran up to him in the corridor. He had left without her. They always walked together and she felt really sad that he had left.
'Hi,' she said quietly, but Remus didn't answer. He was looking at his feet without saying a word.
'Remus,' she said clearly, but he still didn't look up from his feet, still didn't answer.
'Remus I'm sorry, Ok? I don't know what flew into me and-'
'Well it's not to me you should apologize is it?' Remus cut her of. There was an anger in his voice that she had never heard before, an anger that almost scared her. 'Why did you kiss him if you would just start hating him again afterwards? Don't you understand that it makes him sad?'
Remus stared right into Lily's eyes and now it was her time to look down. She just wanted everything to be right, so why did everything go wrong.
'I... I just don't know... I just feel so confused,' Lily mumbled without looking up.
'Well how d'you think James feels then?' Remus asked. 'One minute you kiss him and the next you're ignoring him, don't you realize that he really loves you? You're playing with his feelings Lily. I think you should apologize.' And with those words he walked away, leaving Lily feeling worse than ever.
She stood in the middle if the corridor for a while, ignoring the annoyed people who pushed her because she got in their way. She knew that James lived her and that he had done for ages, but it had never really felt this real. She had never thought that she would be able to hurt his feelings by kissing him, because she had never really wanted to believe that it was real love and not just a little crush. She had never thought that the fact that she kissed James would make Remus and the other marauders angry.
She finally started to make her way to the classroom, even if she just wanted to run back to the girls' dormitory and think about how wrong everything had went. She was ten minutes late to the lesson, but professor Binns didn't really seen to care. Lily sat down a few benches away from Remus, because she was completely sure that he wouldn't want to sit next to her.
She didn't hear a word professor Binns said during the whole lesson, because she had completely drowned in her own thoughts. She absolutely wanted to apologize to James but she was afraid that he would start yelling at her, or something even worse. She felt like a real chicken. She should just go up to him and tell him that she was sorry for everything she had done and that she hoped that they could still be friends, but one and a half hour later when she stood in the common room three meters away from the marauders, it didn't feel quite as easy as she had imagined.
James did look happy, at least he was laughing. Maybe Lily didn't have to apologize, maybe James had already forgiven her... No! She had to tell him that she was sorry. How hard could it really be?
Answer: Extremely hard.
Lily didn't know how long she stood pressed against the wall, trying to be brave enough to walk up to the boys, but it sure wasn't just ten minutes.
Finally, after what felt like years, she decided that she had enough courage to do and she took for steps across the room and stopped just in front of James. He looked up at her.
'Er... hi Evans,' he said and looked at her in a slightly confused way. 'Can I... um... do something for you or...'
'I wantedtosaythaImsorryforwhaIdid,' Lily said very quickly, and she wasn't surprised at all that James didn't hear her.
'Sorry?' he said with a questioning look on his face.
'I...' Lily took a deep breath. She could do this. 'I wanted to say that... that I'm sorry for what I did. I just hope that we can be friends or something.'
The smile that had been on James lips disappeared. 'Ok,' he said quickly and then looked down.
This was not the reaction that Lily had wanted. She wished that he would smile his too big smile and say "of course my lady" in a dramatic way. She just wished that he could be happy, but no. 'I'm so sorry James,' she said.
He looked up again. The look on his face made Lily regret everything she had done even more. The look between sadness and anger, he looked hurt and Lily wanted to do something about it, she just didn't know what.
'James I really regret everything I did!' she tried but he still didn't smile and he still didn't say that it would be Ok if she just went with him to Hogsmeade. Instead he rose up and walked out of the common room.
Lily stared in chock after him in a while before she actually acted, and rushed after him.
She wasn't far behind and she could see him clearly. 'James!' she yelled. 'James please! I want to talk to you!'
She ran up to him and grabbed his arm. He turned around so quickly that she let go of him in true fright. His eyes were filled with anger and she understood that, because after all, all she had done for the latest years were to play with his feelings. She had told him she hated him more times than she could count and she had ignored him fir ages. Then suddenly she kisses him, and then he starts to think that there's something between them, but the she just keeps ignoring him again. He must feel terrible.
'Ok! You're sorry!' James yelled in her face. 'I don't care! Maybe I've given up on you, maybe I've understood it as though you don't like me! Maybe I don't want to be you're friend! Have you ever thought about how I feel Lily?! Have you ever understood that there are more people in the world than you?!' He was breathing heavily.
Lily stared at him. She was speechless, everything seemed to go so wrong and what she had feared would happen had happened. 'I'm so sorry,' she finally said quietly. 'I don't know why I did what I did. I just want us to be friends.'
'Well it's too late!' James yelled. Then he turned around and left. He was gone. Lily was alone. She didn't know what to feel of what to think. She felt it as though he had grabbed a part of her with him as he left.
Maybe she did love him, maybe not. All she knew was that she wouldn't be able to live without him.
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Hallo! I hope you liked this chapter:) Please review and all that kind of stuff to make me happy:)
