Honey, This Mirror Isn't Big Enough For The Two Of Us ~ Gerard Way

12 - We're Older Now

*time skip to 2008*

There are a few things that Gerard and I did on stage that I remember clearly. One of those things being the first time he touched himself on stage and then I started to tease him; that night, I thankfully ended up not pregnant with his kiddo. And if you're curious, both sides were right about the top and bottom thing.

The other thing was right after we performed I Don't Love You. Before you panic, know that he didn't decide to leave me. What he said had made me really think that he wanted to stay with me forever.

He had said, "Y/n, I don't love you like I did yesterday," the crowd and I were on edge, "I love you more than I did yesterday."

I also remember that we cuddled, hugged, and kissed all the time, or even just touched the other in some way. Even if it was just his knee touching mine, he craved it. He wanted to always be around me.

He was always very sweet and helped me in every way he could, and if he couldn't, he would try his absolute hardest to. He cared more than anyone else ever had and differently than anyone ever had. He was everything to me and still is.

The only problem with that is that he really doesn't love me anymore. He left me. I'm alone now. A few months after the tour, he said that we needed to take a break. He thought everything we did was a mistake because we were both young. Yes, we were, but we were old enough to know. We were over 25, so he was really just making an excuse.

I just wished he would have told me what was going on in his mind. I miss being around him. I miss that he wanted me in any and every way. What did I do to make him want to leave?

*Possible trigger, mentions of self harm*

After he left, I left MCR and claimed I needed a break, but might come back one day if they would allow me. I fell into a pit of depression and started cutting again. I would have sex to get drugs.

*Possible trigger over*

After I left the band, I slowly lost contact with all of them. Except for one. That was Ray. Ray has been my saviour and the only reason I haven't ended it all. I love Ray, and not in that way, in more of a sibling way.

It's been months since Gerard left, and I still follow him on all of his socials, I still read old text messages. Over and over and over again. I relive all of the good times in my mind and know that it won't ever happen again. He's moved on.

He has a new girlfriend now. Her name is Lyn-Z and she's in the band Mindless Self Indulgence. She seems like such a wonderful person and I'm glad that Gerard is happy with her. I need him more than anything, but if he's not happy, what's the point?

The good thing is, I've decided that I'm going to get better. I'm going to try to be better. I've already started talking to myself better and I've become a lot more organized with my workspaces. I'm proud of myself and I credit Ray for helping me through everything.

I've even started going out with other friends again. I've gotten a few people's numbers, and they all do seem like wonderful people, but it's just not the same. All I've done is more casual dating, similar to the kind of dating that goes on in middle school. Not much physical touch and no very serious conversations.

Since Gerard left, I've denied almost any touch; the only person that is allowed is Ray, and he only gives hugs. I just feel so empty all the time now. It's like we were a puzzle, but I lost the piece and now the puzzle is incomplete.

*Time skip, a few weeks. Also a trigger warning for suicide/suicide attempt*

I can't do this anymore. It's time to say so long and goodnight to this world. I grab my phone and send a text to Ray. I schedule send it so that he doesn't get it until midnight tonight. Speaking of which, it's about 11.

Ray, I love you. You mean the world to me and I am forever indebted to you. However, I can't do this anymore. I can't live life knowing that he doesn't care. Ray, you are the reason I've stayed for so long, but tonight is the night. I'm sorry, Ray. I failed you. I'm so, so sorry. It's my time. I must go. Tell Frank that I love him so much and that he'll always be one of my favorite memories. Tell Mikey that I love him to death and that he's worth every penny I could ever find. Lastly, tell Gerard that I still love him. I never stopped. Tell him that he gave me the best three years of my life and that I'm forever indebted to him. He means everything to me and I'm so sorry. Tell him that I'm glad he's happy, that I hope he marries that girl, and that he has a beautiful family with her. I love all of you more than anything, but I give up. They finally took the light behind my eyes.

I put my phone in my pocket and walked out the door. This is it. I'm finally doing it. It's all going to be over. I won't have to worry. I jogged to the nearest bridge that was obviously high up. I felt a chill run down my spine.

I stood on the edge and actually got scared. I'm really going to die. It's all going to end here. I started to work up to nerve to actually do it. I was about to jump off when I heard a voice in the back of my mind.

"Y/n, don't do it. Don't do it, sugar. It's not worth taking your life over. I'm not worth that."

That's when the tears came. They streamed down my face, just as the had at the cemetery that I found Gerard in. Just like that, he was there, walking on the water.

"Sugar, don't do it. Please. Go home, please. It's not your time. Go home, sugar. Sugar, please, go home. Live your life and take care of yourself. Please."

I snapped out of the trance as I felt someone's arms wrap around my waist and pull me off of the edge. They rubbed circles on my back, just like Gerard used to.

I full on sob into their chest, suddenly feeling that craving, that longing for his touch, go away, as if it were being satisfied. I look up and I'm met with the familiar hazel eyes. He saved me, yet again.

"Gerard?"

"Shh, it's okay. Just take a minute, sugar."

I suddenly felt a shot of anger through my veins. I push him off of me and his shock is evident.

"Don't call me sugar. I'm not yours. I haven't been for almost a year now. You left me, remember?"

"Bu-"

"Don't even start."

I walk away at a brisk pace.

No joke, I almost cried writing this. Honestly, I'm proud of myself for getting two chapters out today. I'm going to try to get a third in honor of xXxanniebeexXx having a birthday today!! Happy birthday!!!! Speaking of birthdays, happy birthday to The Black Parade!!!!!!