The UnForgiveness Of Life

The Souls Will To Survive

I cough, being bombarded by heavy rain and storm, my weak soul mustering the courage to weakly look at the sky, the night of the storm...an indication I've seen ever since my 5th birthday.....I forced myself to stand and take in my surroundings once more, my body was on the sidewalk of the outskirts of the city...or at least what's left of it...my eyes widen as I fully come into consciousness, the city around me was in ruin, some force of weather came and just got rid of the city entirely...I got up to my feet and I looked up in the sky, a aggressive thunderstorm that could've possibly made a tornado....Lightning struck the ground and I jolted, feeling the rain get more dense so I hid under something....The soft pitter patter of rain made me at ease...I found the love for storms I had so long ago. While relaxing I saw something hiding within every drop of the rain...a spinning image of my mother came into view and my blood ran cold...she was not physical but she was there...a ghostly presence that didn't belong on the human world...perhaps she was an unsatisfied soul that wasn't satisfied with her early death or something worse....I look up at the stormy sky...which threatened to hurt me...With caution I look back and she still remained...but she was closer...God...I could see that damn smile on her face...the one she always wore when I was little....even with death at her doorstep she continued to smile this way...driving a trembling shiver up my bones as I tried to comprehend why she was here....was this some kind of curse....did they return on the worst of stormy days?! It felt to farfetched to be a coincidence....and I just wanted answers...ma seemed to remain in her spot, only this time her features started to disorientate, her figure was taller and she didn't resemble my mom....she looked like a demon which scared me to death....fuck...I should've took cover somewhere....I start sprinting down the streets looking for cover to which I get lucky and find a cellar...I go in it and lock myself in it, turning on the power that way there was no dark spots...I remained there for hours upon hours until the storm cleared...when the storm did clear I hopped out of the cellar and continued to sprint my little heart out...not daring to look back at the destruction that was that place...My confidence...My sanity...everything in my body quit on me and I was left to endlessly wander in a fucking forest being cautious and extra careful not to die....

I softly groan...My mental state is beyond repair and I could feel my body slowly collapsing and succumbing to exhaustion...my will to live is stronger then ever now...I barely make it yet I still go on due to my will to live.. This forest ended quicker with the morning dew...the clouds were beautiful greys and white as they started to drift away from each other creating those fluffy like clouds that kinda look like cotton candy heh...with this peace for now at least....I took a big intake of air and relaxed my bones out..feeling the stress and panic release my conscious free as those feelings went away....I didn't even bother smiling...my face hurt even if i tried to grin, I came across a mirror and just stood there looking at it....I see flashbacks to when I was a happy little fuck...then reality flash to how I look now...My hairs a mess, my eyes are dull and lifeless...my face is pale...my sweater is tattered and messed up once more.....I could feel tears racing down as I thought about what the fuck happened and actually took it to mind...I was so disappointed...so saddened....I wanted to forget everything...I wanted to just fucking rest in peace but I couldn't bring myself to do it...My body refused to let me stab myself in the neck...I tried so much...but of course...I had to continue even if I was endlessly wandering heh.... I found myself crossing a specific path, seeing a odd disturbance in the brush, going through it resulted in a odd looking place that was unrecognizable. I entered the place, quietly scoping the place for any human life... I ended up seeing someone, a blondie...looked to be a male...who was smoking something....I was very skiddish at that moment, it's been a while since I've seen another person and I didn't know how to react...and of course...due to my clumsiness I tripped...slamming hard into the ground. The individual came towards me and helped me up, I felt embarrassed and was surprised when he asked for my name, I told him. He smiled, saying his name as well which was "Tristan Yager". I held out a shaky hand, nervous and cautious...not knowing how this would pan out, my voice was soft and he took notice of that, reassuring my worries and telling me not to panic or be scared, he mentioned that he had a group of friends which made me panic a bit more, my body trembled and I had a hard time focusing on our conversation, trying to tell myself that they are different people and I was just being paranoid. Issues with trust flooded my mind and I found myself heavily overthinking...Tristan questioned what was wrong to which I told him my struggles with trust and trusting people in general. He reassured me and told me I could trust him and his buddies....so I agreed to meet them...He lead me to an alley way, which was accompanied by a group of females and males, I felt very shy and hid behind Tristan as he let them know of my presence and my timid nature. I anxiously waved at them with poor confidence in my voice........ h-hey.....One of the individuals greeted me and their name was James, this was followed by a female saying her name was Jessica, Tristan introduced the rest, their names were  "Maxian" "Derek" "Erin" "Alex" "Brandon" and "Tiffany". The names of these individuals were interesting and I found myself at a stand still, not knowing what else to say. "Ey Xander, we may not look like much, but we're a family. Whenever you need us, we'll be there." Alex said that wholesomely and I couldn't help but feel welcomed...these people were complete strangers but they felt like the family I never had, I didn't realize the warm tears that fell from my fragile face but it felt great...I felt like I mattered for once...like people considered me as something that matters... It was hard to adjust, such a caring environment came into my life and it was a struggle to cope with such a massive difference. Tristan felt like a brother I never had and of all the group he was the one that I enjoyed to hangout with the most, his life was interesting, he would discuss some of the aspects of his life to me but I didn't know if I wanted to discuss anything including my life to him as I'm sure that would scare him...And how the fuck could one tell another individual that you killed your parents since they were about to kill you...just complicated stuff and I didn't want Tristan to be confused. But then again...Tristan and his group does questionable stuff but they are very caring...doing alot of gangster stuff, usually I don't really participate in such actions but mostly isolated myself like always...usually just waiting for them to return...I've grown a liking for the group and it was a moment of happiness, feeling happy once more and it's actual genuine happiness...not fake happiness...I can not bring it in myself to do the stuff they do as I think before I act, kindness and guilt overwhelms me and I can't bring myself to do anything harmful....