Don't Read This Book

oldman

I don't know how, I don't even know why you're still with me, sometimes I'm so afraid that you'll leave that everything ends

I have spent much of my life looking for validation from other people looking for a little love or support, I ignore everything I feel to keep people happy and by my side because I hate being lonely.
I hate the feeling when I see someone leaving i hate giving it my all and seeing what doesn't work i hate myself when i'm not enough i hate myself when i can't be enough

I would like to ask why? Why did you come home that night? Why didn't you stop talking to me? Why you like me ? I'm a fucking mess, a mess that I'm trying to fix for you now...When you asked me to tell you my story, when you saw me shake with fear or have an anxiety attack or just cry, you held my hand, You didn't leave...why? Why did you offer me help? why does it feel so warm ? It feels so comfortable, safe and calm, I know you hate that I joked about dying I know you hate that I am affected by what they think of me, I know you try to protect me like I'm a little girl, try to fix everything around and just keep me happy, hold you close when I sleep, feel your arms around me, trying to say "there will be no nightmares today, I'm here" You treat me like a girl and it's great I have the security that I never had before when I'm with you, Everything is fine, I know it can be difficult you are far away now but I hope to see you again, I hope to see you get off the plane and smell your perfume again, feel your warm hugs and hold your hand on the walk

I'm afraid you'll leave, I try to do everything right to be with you, I try to fix myself like a toy that doesn't work, but I know that if you leave I won't be able to do anything, it will be your decision and I have to respect, It's not the end of the world but it will feel like it, I hope you don't go but I can't do anything to ensure it, if one day you go, If one day everything ends, I hope you find your happy ending and the person you wake up with every morning saying "I love you to the moon and back"