Murder she wrote

Dear Diary

TW: mention Sexual assault/rape, death, manslaughter, blood, gunviolence  

Hair in a topknot wearing a cozy sweater, yoga pants and some fluffy socks Andy sat down on the comfy chair on her balcony opening the little notebook she got after her therapy session. So how do you start this thing? Dear diary....? After sitting there for a while getting distracted by everything around her she decided to put the notebook aside. Her therapist told her to write about her flashbacks or nightmares but ofcourse since she got back from therapy yesterday she hasnt gotten any. It felt like her mind was playing tricks on her. She didnt really know what to do with all her free time. Everyone had a life of their own with work, family and go on. Hers felt like it was on pauze, no work, therapy, not much to do during the day and a lot of trauma to work through.  Another day of bingewatching it was. After scrolling through netflix she put on some old telenovela seeking for some comfort. Memories of her and her mom cuddled up on the couch watching the same show every sunday when she was a little kid. After 2 episodes she dozed off to sleep.

"RYAN , RYAN!" Andy woke up screaming covered in her own sweat and tears. starting to hyperventilate she looked around her appartment, since the nightmares and panic attacks started she has gotten into a routine. Get out of bed, open the window for some fresh air, make a cup of tea and remember she is safe and sound. "It was just a dream, it's not real, calm down" she repeated trying to take her mind of the dream and calm down. When her breath started to even out she remembered "I need to write" Andy grabbed the notebook and looked at the empty page. Not really a writer she wasnt really sure about this part of her therapy. Here goes nothing she thought. 

Dear Diary. Is that really how people start to write? Andy looked down at the two words for a good 5 minutes before continuing

I'm not sure how to start writing this so bear with me. I woke up with a nightmare again. This time about the day i lost my best friend. Ryan just got back to Seattle from his time in San Diego and surprised me with a welfare check and somehow my neighbour accidentely cut herself so we helped her and took care of her kid Milo. We talked a bit like old times and suddenly everything changed. 

"I guess it turns out everything is about you, Andy" the last full sentence Ryan had said to me. those exact words still haunt me in my sleep. I heard a loud bang and was right back in my neighbours living room, Milo stood there on the other side of the room holding his moms gun. "RYAN RYAN are you okay?" I yelled while grabbing the gun from Milo. "I don't think i am okay" Ryan whispered. "No no no this can't be true" I quickly ran over and tried to stop the bleeding. Nothing was working. My mind was blank the only thing i remember was that i needed Ryan to survive. I started to do CPR on my best friend. The one person who knew me better than i knew myself. With all my strenght i continued doing CPR when i felt a warm liquid dripping on my legs. When i looked down i saw my blood covered hands and the growing puddle of Ryan's blood next to me. "Ryan Ryan! You can't leave me! Not like this! Not now! I need you please!" Tears streamed down my face as i tried everything i could to safe him, my rock, my best friend and my comfort person. His lifeless body moved everytime i pumped his chest, it got harder and harder to keep up the pace. It felt like hours had  passed since the gun went off. Milo was still crying on the other side of the room scared but my focus was on Ryan and Ryan alone. 

My eyes wondered from his chest to his face but it wasnt Ryan who i was trying to save not anymore. Somehow his face changed into Jeremy's smirking at me "Look at you Andy. You couldn't even safe your best friend while you are a first responder" He grinned. I tried to get out of his grip but he tightened his hands around me "You failed as a firefighter, you failed Ryan, you failed your dad, you failed your mom why else would she leave you and you failed me. You ran away, scared like you are right now aren't you Andy? You're nothing but a scared failure with mommy and daddy issues and a good body." I tried to scream, i tried to wiggle out of his arms but i was stuck, voiceless, failing and most of all frozen. I was stuck with the guy who attempted to rape me and whose death was on me. There was no way out. I closed my eyes and hoped it all would be over soon. He was right i'm a failure. 

Andy shook her head a few times and closed the notebook. She hid it underneath a few boxes in her closet. Afraid that someone would find it and read her inner thoughts. Afraid she would have to explain how her dark and twisty mind dealed with trauma. "I can't be alone right now" she looked at her phone it was the middle of the night and she had no one to call, no one who'd know what she is dealing with. Being here alone wouldnt do her any good. Andy grabbed her phone, keys and the biggest coat she could find and started walking. Not caring about the fact it was a stupid idea to walk around in the middle of the night in Seattle as a woman all alone. 

She felt the cold and crispy air on her face as soon as she got out of her appartment. Andy was zoned out and started walking mindlessly. Her feet kept walking and walking untill she saw the sign with '19' on it. Somehow she found the way to her old station. Maybe someone would be awake to distract her. As soon as she opened the doors to the station a familiar safe feeling surrounded her. Before she knew it she found her way to the beanary and opened the fridge grabbing a bottle of water. "Andy? What are you doing here" Robert asked worried  "I don't know, sorry i shouldn't have bothered you, i should go" Andy thought it would be a distraction to speak to someone but it couldnt be further from the truth. She had to stay strong. Andy put down the bottle of water she was holding and began to walk out of the beanary. "Andy wait, it's the middle of the night, are you okay?" He had never seen Andy in this state not since her fathers death.  "Don't act like you care about me, no one does, i'll just go. Stay safe" She hurried out of the station leaving a confused and worried Robert. 

Andy got home and did the only thing she could think off. She left a voicemail for her therapist "Hey, sorry for calling this late. I just needed to talk to someone i guess i hope you don't mind. I'm numb, it scares me doc. I can write down every awfull detail of what scares and traumatizes me but i don't connect to my emotions at all. I feel like i'm writing a story about someone else if that makes any sense. After i finished writing i walked over to my old station seeking for comfort or to be honest anything else than the loneliness i've been feeling , my coworkers that used to be such a big part of my life and all i felt was alone. I need someone to talk to, maybe i can start looking at you like i would a friend. I could really use a friend right now. Can you call me back?" She collapsed on her bed and looked up to her ceiling numb.

Yeah guys i'm sorry this fic will be pretty dark.....
Let me know what you think of it so far