INSOMNOS

4: I See Despised

Sunday, December 22nd 2017, 4:04AM

Jeno got a spare notebook from Jaemin that he kept in his backpack so the rebel could transfer all of his writing in there. Jeno was opposed to it at first because he didn't want to move on from his current one. Then he tried writing on his dream notebook with a pen Jaemin gave him and the page tore at the slightest stroke. He begrudgingly took the new notebook after that. Starting blank might be good, I guess. Jeno's old notebook was black, but the one Jaemin gave him was white. He didn't want to be picky...but out of all the colors? Whatever. He could put stickers all over it later.

"Alright." Jeno clapped. "To start with something easy, I'm gonna look for a song that looks the most salvageable."

As Jeno was looking through his notebook, Jaemin opened a bag of Lays and offered them to him. Reluctantly, Jeno stuck his hand in the bag and grabbed a few chips. He refrained from eating too much when he was on his no-reap schedule, but he only accepted because he didn't eat at all today. The saltiness of the chips would make him crave more but he saw it as a benefit considering hunger made him stay awake longer.

Jeno stuffed the chips in his mouth as Jaemin talked.

"How about the last page you wrote on? It was perfectly fine when I looked at it."

Jeno stopped chewing and stared at the boy alarmingly. "Did you...read it?"

"No, of course not." Jaemin slowly reached into the chips bag. "Why?"

"Nothing...I'll work on that one later."

The last page was about Jaemin. Jeno wrote it as soon as he got home that Friday so it was all...very mean. It was honestly the first time Jeno had ever written bad about someone, besides little threats to his casual school bullies or bratty rants about his dad. Jeno's words tended to be extremely vulgar, which is what anyone would expect from a metalhead with anger issues. The words he wrote about Jaemin weren't an exception to his verbal aggression, but they were all based on manic assumptions about the nerd just by their ten minute argument. Most of those insults were proven false because of tonight. Jeno felt ashamed now. He could never take back his words though, even if he disagreed with all of it. He didn't plan to fix any of it, because he didn't want to forget how he felt that day. He could save it for another time just in case Jaemin pissed him off again. He had a feeling he would.

"Okay, I think this one would be easy to recover." Jeno sighed.

His eyes met a page that was towards the middle of the notebook. He didn't want to read it again, but it was one out of four pages that could be recovered the fastest. Each of those pages were extremely personal, but he chose this one specifically because it had enough ambiguity for him to show Jaemin without seeming vulnerable.

Jaemin leaned in closer to read the ink blotted page. Jeno spent so much energy festering in his own stress and anger that he never really thought to examine the boy's face until they were close to each other. Whenever Jeno drowned in his emotions, he saw the world around him with heavy distaste and spite...but when he looked at Jaemin, he felt different. He felt it in class on Friday, he felt it in the rain on the driveway, he even felt it after he punched the wall when all Jaemin did was sit next to him as he submerged himself into self-loathing. Jeno didn't feel anything miraculous like happiness, instead, it was more of an unsettling enlightenment...like an unexplainable feeling of relief.

He was too stubborn to admit that Jaemin's blankness was better than any other way people would have reacted to his breakdowns and outbursts. The casual and calm way Jaemin approached him was all he wanted. If Jaemin was calm about Jeno's outbursts, then it reassured the rebel that he was doing okay. And the closeness was so new and tangible. It was a closeness that was mutually curious. Jeno was relieved that he could now look at Jaemin and just wonder instead of doubt or criticize who he was.