Finding Louis {l.s}

17

This isn't a story I want to tell but I guess if I were to share something like this with anyone, he'd be the first. The words are caught in my throat for a while. Harry must notice how pale I look because he disappears and returns who knows how much later with tea. I try to thank him but he just shakes his head and hands it to me. It clears up my airways, at least a bit. I'm warmed to know he still cares enough about me to do something like this.

"I..." A small laugh escapes my throat at how weak I sound. "Honestly, I don't know where to start. I've got no clue of how to go about this. I've never told anyone. I thought I was gonna spend my entire life there so... Of course, I didn't tell anyone."

"Try the beginning."

The beginning...

"You're not gonna be very happy about this. I know what you're going to say but this really was my fault. I should've had the good sense to know that-" I sigh and give in, anxiously fiddling with my fingers as I speak, heart hammering in my chest. "I met Simon when I was fourteen-"

"Wait... What?"

"He was the new music teacher at my school and he... Well, he was... Nice to me, you know? He was so nice to me, Harry, I... And I'd just lost my dad and he... I felt like he understood? When I was with my family, everyone was too sad to help me, just like I was too sad to help them but he never turned me away. He was there for me. I thought he was the kindest person in the world. And well, by fifteen, I thought I was in love with him."

There's shock in his eyes but he doesn't say anything. Which must mean he wants me to go on. I wish he would interrupt me. I'm being overtaken by a deep panic I can't explain and I can't help but fear I'm about to have such a horrible breakdown that I'll pass out, right here, right now.

"He could tell I liked him. I liked the special attention he gave me. I felt like I was the only boy he liked to touch, you know? Nothing bad then, just a stroke of my arm or a standing too close or placing his hand too low on my back when he wanted to call me back for extra practice. I was so... Obsessed with him. He felt like a saviour to me, like an angel, I would've done anyth..."

"So when he asked me to come home with him, I didn't refuse. I was happy to make him happy. Felt so proud of myself to lose my virginity to the love of my life, even though it hurt and he sent me away right after with the aggressive request - or maybe I should call it a threat - not to tell anyone. That's how we went on for a while. He started filling my head with fantasies."

"That I could run away from home and come live with him. He told me we'd be happy together forever. Isn't that what we all want? To be happy and not alone anymore for life? Geez, I didn't know any better, Hazz. I said yes. I didn't complain when he said I couldn't bring my phone with me. I didn't complain when he said I'd be his pretty housewife, not allowed to leave. I didn't complain when he yelled at me or told me to bend over for him even when I didn't exactly feel like it. I just wanted to please him."

"But time went past and I started missing my family. I missed my stupid idiot dickhead friends, even. I missed home. But what could I have done? He kind of had me trapped, you know? No Internet, no leaving. He bought everything. He was the one who owned the cars and held the key to the house. I couldn't even go outside, most times and when I did? Within the compound only. I thought about ending it so often but I told myself... He loved you. Just be good and he'll... He'll love you again, just... Just be patient and perfect and..."

A painful memory makes it's way into my mind but I laugh because I used to pretend it was funny, then, too. I don't even look at Harry, now, knowing his expression, whatever it may be, will distract me.

"I used to joke about getting married sometimes. I think when he finally snapped me in two was when I did it again one day. And instead of a grunt, he told me that all I was to him was some free ass. He'd finally done it. I was completely broken. I didn't think it was even possible to leave at that point so I just sort of lay there. Numb and used and... Betrayed. Still wanting love I was never going to receive. Crying myself to sleep. I've lost so many years of my life to that man."