Every Missing Piece

Chapter Twelve

It should be a simple thing to convince myself that everything is okay. After all, I've lied and lied for so long now that I can hardly remember how to live any other way. It's a different kind of challenge, however, to lie to myself. I already know all of my secrets, every single thing that I've tried so hard to hide. No matter what I try to tell myself, I can't run away from the truth.

And the truth of it is that Mercy's warning about Jack sends me into a panic so intense that I'm almost dizzy from it.

Once I've left the Desperates and am on my way back to the blocker's department, I use every ounce of logic and reason in me to try to prove that Jack is fine. Yes, Jack found the Barrons. Yes, the Assembly might target him at some point in the future, if not because of the Barrons, then to get to me. That doesn't mean that he's in danger now. The Assembly has all the time they need to carry out their plans. That means I have time too, time to protect him and my family the best way I can, to try to thwart the Assembly, to decide if I'll even tell Jack he's in danger in the first place.

Still, doubt eats away at my mind until doubt is all that I am.

For the rest of the day, I bide my time in the blocker's department, counting down the too-long minutes until today's assignments are completed and everyone will return to their units. The only thing that keeps me going is the promise I've made to meet Jack outside the blocker's department once our assignments are over. Yesterday-was it only yesterday?-when I had returned from the supply, Jack had already returned to his guard duties but had left a note behind, asking me to meet him today.

That note had sent shivers of dread through me the first time I read it. What must Jack think of me if he wanted to plan a meeting? Most of our time together was built on lucky coincidences; we'd only plan a meeting in advance if we had something especially important to say. These were the times where we'd leave notes to ourselves so we'd have no chance of forgetting the next day. I could only imagine what Jack wanted to talk about today. Was he this disgusted with me for talking to Mason, someone who appeared to belong to the Assembly one hundred percent? Was he going to finally demand some answers? I don't know if I can say no to him.

These were the things that worried me before, but since I talked to Mercy, they seem so insignificant. Maybe Jack will remember what happened yesterday, but that's unlikely. The one thing I'm sure about is this will give me a chance to make sure he's alright.

I can hardly keep from shaking when I leave the blocker's department for our meeting spot. I'm crazy, I know it. But if Jack is hurt in any way or, even worse, doesn't show up at all...I don't think I will ever get rid of my guilt.

All of my worries evaporate into nothing when I step outside and Jack is already there, bouncing on the balls of his feet. He waves when he sees me, and even as I shield my face from the wind and squint my eyes into the cold, I can hardly keep from laughing. Everything is fine. Jack is fine. I'm only paranoid, and I've never been happier to realize that.

"How's it going?" Jack shouts over the wind.

"So bored," I reply with a shrug. Jack shoots me a sympathetic smile and I try to tell myself that it's for the best, letting him believe that my days are still filled with only inane blocker assignments. Knowing won't help him, and we shouldn't both be paranoid.

Together, we walk down the street and into the shelter of an office building's entryway that protrudes enough to protect us from the biting wind.

"I have to tell you something," Jack begins.

I take a moment to study him, and there's an undeniable nervous energy that envelops him. It's more than his usual constant energy that always keeps him moving. Underneath, I can sense a glimmer of excitement that matches the shine in his hazel eyes. The selfish part of me is just relieved that this is not the look of someone who is about to reprimand their best friend.