Life's Introspection

11.02.22 - 8:13am

Last night was probably one of the best nights I have ever had with you.

We FaceTimed about work, as we do, but this one was different. I don't mean different as in you looked at me differently and I feel like we have a chance. As nice as that sounds it is not my reality at the moment.

This time, we did not just talk about work. We talked more like friends. And even though I wish we could do more than that, a year ago I couldn't even imagine a friendship like this. Or a friendship with you. What made me the happiest is that we have some compatibility. I say this because there are times when we have awkward silences where we don't know what to say. Those silences scare me, are they signs of non-compatibility? If we were to somehow get together, would those still exist? I know silence is okay, but if felt awkward to me. If you are with your soulmate, do you have awkward silences?

I don't know if I'll ever know the answer to that.

Anyway...

I also realized how similar you are to the one person in my life that you should be similar to. I don't know if this is a legitimate rule or whatever but when it comes to boyfriends, they should remind me of the only man in my life that I have respected. The one who loves me first. If they don't remind me of him in some capacity then I don't want it. I could talk more about this for hours but I won't. In short, my father is the greatest man I know, and if my future husband doesn't give off that same energy then I don't want it.

Now, because you remind me of my dad, this doesn't mean that I think we are soulmates or whatever. (Maybe a part of me does.) I know there are billions of people in this world, and just because I found someone that "checks all the boxes" (I hate that phrase btw) doesn't mean that he is the one.

I wish he was, but there is no way of knowing. The fact that you do resemble my dad only makes me respect you more as a person. If we don't end up together, I'll always be grateful to have known you. This just adds to your appeal.

Another thing that happened last night is that I wanted to tell you. A big thing that is different with you is that I want you to know that I like you. And I want to tell you in person. The crushes I had in the past were not like this in the slightest. I would have rather died then tell my crush I liked them. Sometimes I feel that way with you only because I know it's gonna change things. I'm scared of the unknown. But it blows my mind that I wanna tell you. And to your face. Not over a text. It's totally crazy. But I feel like you deserve to know.

Last night, as I was looking at you like I do. It was 98% holy fuck. I almost told you I thought you were cute, but I held back. All the words I would say to you but don't, I'd have a book. Maybe two. But anyway, I want to tell you.

I don't know when I'll tell you, but I will.