Generations Expectation's | 8th member of BTS

40

| Korean Words meaning |

Still none, lol.

Anything in regular font = Korean

Anything in Italics = English

Anything in Bold = Spanish

Anything in Bold & Italics = Any other language besides Spanish, Korean, or English

*Was June 25th, Now June 29th*

Jungkook's POV

I was aware of myself, I really was, but nothing could make me care about my surroundings. I was conscious of the people speaking to me. I knew I was being watched, being talked to, but I just couldn't make any mind of it.
Nothing matters to me. It didnt. It hasn't mattered for over a month now. Thirty-four days, six hours, and seventeen minutes to be exact of how long I have stopped managing.
My mind is fixated and only ever thinking of one thing. The only thing I think of now is her. Of Ae Cha.

Ae Cha has been considered and deemed legally missing for nearly a month now.

It's a bizarre and heart-shattering feeling to go through life after someone so frequent and an essential pillar of your life is gone. Not only gone but missing.
There isn't a free moment you aren't questioning every aspect of worry for them and wondering what you could've done to prevent it. Where was she? Why haven't we found her yet? Why did Bongseon take her? Was she hurt? Was she alive? Why didnt we expect something sooner?

Why?
Why?
Why?

The question rang in my head constantly and consistently. The emotional impact of living my life in limbo was damaging and significant but yet I had no care to keep myself moving forward.
Yes, I was walking, I was talking, even eating and sleeping if I could force myself to stuff something more significant than french fries down my throat and catch an hour or two through the endless blinking awake thoughts.
I was doing all my basic needs just enough not to be questioned and bothered by staff.
I was attending their meaningless and irritating meetings. I was dancing when I was told. Singing when they said. Doing interviews when I was asked.
I was meeting fans and smiling when I was advised to.
But I wasn't there, mentally. I was there physically but never mentally. I felt like a hollow shell, being pushed through the waves of the sea. I was aware I was moving forward but I wasn't doing anything to initiate it. It was watching my own life through a glass screen.
I was aware I was in Korea, my home. I was aware I was an idol, living my career but it didnt feel like it because all my brain was ever doing was thinking of Ae Cha.
Ae Cha my friend. Ae Cha a fellow member of my group, that as far as anyone asked, was on a 'health-related absence' during this newest comeback.
The comeback that was taking much more noticeable attention with the odd and sudden disappearance of one of their members- their only female member. The daughter of an idol legend.
The comeback that was more successful than our debut.
I should be happy. Happier we were gaining more popularity. More content more people were showing up for performances. More pleased that were receiving more media coverage. More satisfied our music was getting more listens and streams than ever before.

I wasn't happy though. I hadn't been satisfied.
I can't remember the last time I felt content with my life.

"Ae Cha do you like me?"
"Don't play stupid with me, I know you aren't Ae Cha."
"Okay great! Wow, cause for a moment- Im not going to lie you got me scared."
"I worried our friendship would be really awkward and strained. Im glad it was all just misinterpreted by me, sorry, I didn't mean to gross you out"

My last conversation with Ae Cha before we arrived in LA, where I had no idea, would be the last time I would be able to speak to her before she would get shoved out of a van and left abandoned on the side of a strange street in California. Kidnapped by such an unwell and psychotic woman.
If I knew I wouldn't ever see her again I would have talked to her again.
Clear out the strained anxiousness that was our friendship. Brushed past the confrontation of trying to find out her feelings from me. We never got the chance to move past this issue.
I couldn't talk to her the whole plane ride cause of it. The quarrel was too raw, too heavy. I knew she needed space. I wanted to give her time because I knew I was the one who caused the hurt and the strain on our companionship.
Im so stupid. So very fucking stupid.
Why?
Why did that have to be our last conversation? I had so much more I wanted to tell her. So much more I wanted to experience with her. Every night her face during our talk radiates and shoves its way to the front of my memories no matter how much I try to stop it.
No matter how much I beg my mind to turn it off and change the memory it doesnt.
Im in a constant loop of reliving my mistake.
I remember vividly as her stern and unreadable expression cracked, for just a second. The way her bottom lip twitched into a saddened frown before snapping back in its indistinct position. The light in her eyes that drained as wet grew in her sight but she blinked it off as if nothing had happened. I remember the way she thought she was holding herself well, pretending to fix her hair as I watch a part of her face morph into such a devastated expression.
The melancholy and tyrannized tone of her voice.
I had hurt her. I had hurt her so badly and I was idiotic and too blind to see it. My selfishness of just wanting to stay friends and blowing past her real feelings, which I still didnt understand were even real or not, just for my own benefit of wanting to keep everything in the group casual and easy.
I was such a prick.
An asshole.
I couldn't believe that was the last time I ever spoke to Ae Cha. 

I lay awake at night, staring blankly at the top of my bunk thinking of ways I would've changed the conversation now.
Thinking of things I would've said or done differently. Every time was so vastly different from what really happened and I was left to grieve and deal with the real reality of her disappearance soon after.

A lot, I imagine I didnt confront her. That I never purposely sought her out alone away from the group. That I didnt plan the timing out so she couldn't talk to me cause we were going to be on a trip, being filmed in front of other people so she had no choice but to be civil with me. For the sake of filming and her career.
I imagine we just shared a normal conversation in the hallway. The kind we always use to share together. We would talk about anime, school, past practices, clothes, or anything other than what we talked about that day. Sometimes I imagine I didnt act so selfishly. I just left good enough alone and didnt out right accuse of her having feelings for me so I could have peace of mind and stability in the group.
I know now- I realize now I was wrong.
If Ae Cha did have feelings for me, which I debate every night or not if she did, she wouldn't have ever told me.