Bible 2: RETURN OF THE JESUS

Censorhead 1:1

Millions of years ago, in the dusty state of North Caroline, there lived two peasants, Fernando Sinsolese and his secret loevr Pelayo Lunius. Who had money, his father was rich because he married a lot of rich old women who died and he was born with a silver spoon in his large mouth with three incisors instead of four he was also prematurely balding at the ripe age of nineteen. 
Pelaylo was just chilling in his parlour room, nodding his head to the new mozart album but he was into more underground music such as Prince Archbishop Schrattenbach because of the rock and popiness. 

 
"I love the Prince Archbishop Schrattenbach!" said Pelaylo.
"I'm sorry?" said Fernando, gazing at Pelaylo's almond brown eyes and toned muscles. (snapaples suggestion NO said it really )
"I said, I love the Prince Archbishop Schrattenbach!" said Pelaylo.
"I do not know what comes next. " said Fernando, lovingly, brushing the sole of his foot against Pelaylo's lime green toga.
God appeared in a flash of lime green light! "Hear my words, oh peasants! There is something stuck in my throat and I don't know what!" His hot, deep, Corpse Husband-like   voice echoed in the chambers of the mental institution they resided in (due to some rather unfortunate circumstances).

 
"Why have you come to Earth, oh father?" Fernando questioned, his eyes watering in joy at the sight of God's nude body.
God says to Fernando "Son, homosexuality is a sin, be doomed to spend eternity in hell with Hades and his boyfriend, Napoleon Bonaparte!" He scowled at the gay couple, gay here not meaning happy.

 
"Oh no..." said Fernando, distressed by the news, but distracted by God's ripped muscles and fresh sea-musk cologne. Paleyo fumed, covetous of God's seductiveness, but he had to admit, God was as hot as the scorching desert sun as it beats down onto a camel's tired hump, perspiration running down the long, lime green fur of the camel.
"Stop staring at me like that, boy, it is making me uncomfortable." Yet Paleyo could not rip his eyes off our Lord's toned body.

 
"Daddy? Sorry, daddy? Sorry, wait, I mean father! We apologise for committing such an atrocious sin! Take me to church! We beg on our knees for your mercy and forgiveness." Said Paleyo.

 
"I'm sorry, my boys, but you must perish because once you are homosexual, you will aways be homosexual and always will do homosexual things, which I simply cannot forgive." God said, shaking his head. His heart ached for what he had to do, because throughout the conversation, he couldn't stop looking at the fine physique of the two men before him, admiring their curves and wishing he could take their togas off- 'I must disregard such an idea,' thought God.
Fernando shook his head. "To die by your side, Paleyo, is such a heavenly way to die!"
"Yes, my beloved." Paleyo said, taking his lover by the waist and holding him closer, knowing they were turning God on like a light switch. "To die by your side, the pleasure, the privilege is mine."

In the next instant, God summoned a strike of lighting (that vaguely resembled a double decker bus), the electrons being attracted to the protons the same way God was to these young men, to kill the couple because he had internalised homophobia and couldn't accept
himself for the way he was. He was growing jealous of the openness of the uranians and if he couldn't accept himself, how dare they? Fernado held Paleyos hand tightly, the veins popping out of his arms. In a second, the light flashed and the two lifeless bodies fell to the ground, sprawled out like a ten-tonne truck killed the both of them. But they died together, holding each other in their arms. God stared at their lifeless body, and burst into tears, using all of his self control not to commit necrophilia.

 
Fernando stood at the entrance of hell, alone. He began walking into the daunting darkness, bewildered at what God had just done, betrayed that his own daddy- uh, Father, could have done such a thing. He trudged past the sound asleep Cerberus, looking for his love when he came across a ruggishly handsome man. His skin was lime green but he still looked hot, and that was weird considering he was the gold of coldness.

He was Hades. And beside him was a midget, oh nevermind! that was Napoleon. "Fellow homosexual", said Hades "Hello sir," said Fernando, "Hello Napoleon Bonaparte." Napoleon Bonaparte scowled, how dare this mortal boy catch the attention of his lime green loevr? "Join us for dinner, boy.", said Hades."We have a reservation at Nandos."
"I need my husband with me though," said Fernando.
"You both are married?" asked Napoleon, feeling relieved knowing that Hades couldn't woo him now, but also a little jealous.

 
Hades suggested, "Foursome?"
"Fuck yes, in Nandos!" said Fernando, "My apologies, I meant, frick yes, in Nandos!"

 
Paleyo appears, covered in a lime green slime,
"Why are you covered in slime?", asked Fernando, running to his beloved, stroking the slime off of him before he could kiss him all over.
"That's my fault.", said Hades, "Don't ask me how, it's a genetic disorder."
Napoleon Bonaparte was fuming, he might have just started another war.

"Whats going on my gay?", asked Paleyo. "10:30 reservation at Nandos my boy, get dressed so we can get undressed." replied Hades, winking.
"What?" asked Paleyo, "Foursome." replied Fernando.
"Why do they have Nandos in hell?", asked Fernando
"I don't know it was here before i got here.", said Hades,
"The only person who may know is someone who is greater than God himself." He gestured to one of the dark pits of hell and it lit up with a dark red fire. In the middle of the circle of flames, sat an old woman, older than time, hunched over, knitting a lime green scarf.
"Queen Elizabeth II?!?!" all of them, except Hades, yelled in unison!
"Why is she here?" whispered Paleyo to Fernando. "Because, son," She said in a booming voice that shook the dark caves of the Underworld "I have had sex with my cousin... multiple times."
"Ewwww." All of them said in unison, again.


To be continued...