The Price of Revenge

33. Putting Myself Back Together

When I got back to my apartment, I headed straight for the cupboard in the kitchen. There was a half bottle of vodka on the shelf alongside a jar of peanut butter, and a selection of different flavour jellies. My mum had always told me it was important to have a varied diet, instead of just eating the same thing every day.

I needed something to calm my nerves, and vodka worked perfectly. My hand was still shaking as I poured some out into a glass. Then I went over to the refrigerator for some ice cubes and a splash of diet coke.

The vodka worked well to calm me down, and after another three glasses of it, I was starting to forget why I was so anxious. Soon the feeling had changed to a warm and comfortable fuddle. My brain felt peaceful, and content. Plus a little bit dizzy, but that was only when I tried to stand up. I resolved to solve that problem by shifting the bottle of vodka and the diet coke from the kitchen over to the coffee table. Then I proceeded to finish getting completely drunk.

I must have passed out at some point, because the next thing I remembered was waking up in the morning. I was laying sideways on the couch, my head was pounding, and my nose was stinging from the smell of vomit.

As I woke up fully, I became aware of the terrible taste in my mouth. I must have thrown up at some point. There was dried vomit all down the front of my dress and over one side of the couch. It was all in my hair too, where I must have slumped down and fallen asleep in the puddle of vomit.

The smell made me gag again as I tried to stand up. That, plus the pounding in my head, made me want to be sick again. I covered my mouth and heaved a couple of times, but nothing came up. Then I slowly staggered in the direction of the bathroom.

I carefully stripped off my dirty clothes and tossed them to the floor while the shower warmed up. Once it had got to the right temperature, I stepped under the jet of water and let it wash over me. When the stream of water was going straight in my face, I opened my mouth wide and let it fill up and let it fill up to wash the horrible taste from my mouth.

As I spat out the water again, I had the sudden realisation of how bad it was what I had done. It would have been so easy for me to have choked on my vomit while I had passed out from being drunk. I had been so close to killing myself accidentally. That chilling thought overwhelmed me, and I collapsed to my knees in the shower and burst into tears.

It had been really stupid of me to drink so much. And to use alcohol as a coping strategy was incredibly dumb and dangerous. I couldn't believe I had been so foolish. I had let the guilt take control of me.

But now, it was like I was awake for the first time in weeks. The fear of having almost lost everything was enough to give my brain a jolt. It was enough to make me realise that I had to change and take control of myself again.

I reached up from the bottom of the shower and turned off the taps. Once the water stopped pouring down on me, I slowly got back up onto my feet. I looked down at myself, and the water that was dripping from my body. My tears had been mixed in with the water from the shower and washed away from me and down the drain. And at the same time I felt like I had also washed some of the sadness and the need to punish myself.

It was true that some good people had been hurt, and some of that was my fault. But at the same time, there were still some bad people that needed to be punished. So now, I needed to stop feeling so sorry for myself and finish my mission.

Still dripping wet, I got out of the shower and grabbed a clean towel to wrap around myself. Then I walked out of the bathroom and looked around my apartment.

The first thing I had to do was clean up the mess I had made last night. Where I had vomited, it had gone all over the couch, and some of it was on the floor in front of it.