Roman Holiday

Ciao Ciao Roma

It was still dark when she finally got to the top of the Palatine Hill. The sun was just peeking over the horizon, ready to bathe the city in her warm glow. It was going to be a lovely day.

For the moment silence still prevailed, a rare commodity in this city of noise and bustle. It was going to be another busy day to add to the history of busy days it had endured over the Millenia.

Standing at the railings, looking down over the columns of the Forum, she could pick out people as they went about their early morning business. Why had she come? When she knew she could still be in bed, asleep and safe from the grief and the pain that was to come.

Because as someone once said, what is grief if not love persevering? And love did persevere. Above all else, she had learned to love again. Now though, it would never again be with the man that taught her that. He was gone.

No, she was here to say goodbye. Goodbye to Rome, goodbye to Tom and goodbye to love. From now on, love for her would be in the past tense. Attached to him and him alone. Her heart attached to his smile and his smile alone. She was going back now, not home, that was here but leaving the city she could no longer bear to look at. Too many memories, too much love. It would be consigned to history along with the summer. Their summer.

As the sun rose, she squinted and watched the buildings turn from pale grey to salmon pink. From salmon pink to pale gold. From pale gold.... she had been standing so long, her feet had gone numb. Bending over awkwardly, one hand on the railings, she slipped her foot out of her shoe. Rubbing it gently she watched as a solitary tear plopped onto her sock, leaving a dark circle. Then another and another until she could no longer distinguish the sock, or see through the tears.

She gave up any pretence of control and crumpled onto the kerb, hugging herself as she sobbed. Why was life so unfair? What had she done to deserve her heart to be ripped out, torn up and thrown into the dirt.

Feeling the tears subside at last, she sat back against the railings. She had loved him so completely. Now she had nothing. Well, not quite nothing, no. Her hand now gently rested on what was her last connection to him. Their daughter. She would never know her father, not really. She would tell her he loved her very much but had to go away. She would never blackmail him, never use her as a weapon. Emma - for that was the name she'd chosen, not unaware of the connection to Tom - Emma was her burden to carry, both literally and figuratively. They could say what they liked about Jess, call her what they wanted, she would know the love that created this precious little girl and she would carry the truth to her grave if needs be.

Time passed all too quickly and she knew she would have to go soon. The flight was the last one she could get before she wasn't allowed to fly any more, so she couldn't afford to miss it. Used to her growing bulk by now, she rolled onto her knees and then stood stiffly, stretching out her back. She was going to be big like her father, that she could tell already. Jess wondered briefly if she had her Daddy's eyes. Part of her selfishly hoped not. Part of her selfishly prayed she did.

As she started to walk away, she saw a familiar figure coming towards her. She stopped and smiled, Papa. He must have followed her out of the house. Tears formed again, she was going to miss them both so much. But she had to go back, have her baby sort out her life and then she would see. She would come back one day, introduce her little one to the people who took her in and loved her and maybe, just maybe she would tell her the story of how she met her father. Maybe.

"Papa" she cried softly as he enveloped her in his big strong arms. "Papa I'm going to miss you so much."

"I know Cara, I know." his use of her pet name only made her cry harder and he kissed the top of her head. "But not as much as we will miss you." they stood wrapped in their shared sorrow. Slowly he led her, her head still bowed and tears falling, to a nearby bench. "But you don't HAVE to go Cara" he said gently "we will take care of you" his big rough hand stroked her head as she nestled safe in his embrace, eyes closed.