Roman Holiday

So I said No

Going up in the lift, they didn't speak, just held hands and looked at each other. It occurred to Jess that for the first time for a very long time, in fact, maybe in her adult life, she was having a "moment" as her mother used to call it.  When reality and fantasy merge and you don't quite know what to believe is real?  It had only happened once before, when she was younger, and had seen a pop star of the moment on the Tube in London when they were on holiday.  Eating crisps like a normal person, reading the paper like a normal person.  Just being a normal person. She'd almost passed out that day, a mixture of disbelief and excitement and a tiny sliver of jealousy that she wasn't the person sitting next to him. Well, tonight as she stood in the tiny wrought iron capsule, holding hands with one of Hollywood's most popular actors as he gazed into her eyes, she was most definitely having a "moment".

The lift lurched to a stop at her floor and, like all the best romcoms, they were thrown against each other.  She grabbed him as he nearly hit his head on the panel beside the door.

"Oops" she said quietly "watch you don't fall"  she couldn't help but blush as they giggled like a pair of teenagers.

'Too late darling, that happened hours ago' he thought to himself, but all he said was "thanks , yes, we don't want to have to explain how I broke the lift when I'm not actually a guest eh?" and winked.  The doors opened and they walked along to her room once more retreating into comfortable silence.

Her nerves were jangling as she tried to open the door and twice she dropped the key.  On the third attempt the door swung open.  Before she went in, she turned to Tom and put a hand on his chest, instantly feeling his heart racing through his shirt.  He seemed every bit as nervous as her and strangely that helped.

"Tom, please don't think I've done this for any - well - devious reason. " she couldn't bring herself to say what she really meant.  That she didn't want him to think she was an easy lay.  It would have demeaned them both, but she had to say something. "I really do appreciate your kindness.  I would never take advantage..."  she looked up at him and he smiled, his hand moving from her shoulders where he had been gently holding her, to stroke her cheek.  It was all he could do not to kiss her with all the passion he was now feeling, she looked so beautiful to him.  Even though she was pretty, though she obviously didn't see it, what he found truly beautiful in that moment was her soul. Her gentle honesty and her trust made her all the more attractive.  Someone like her was a rare commodity in his world and he knew he would do anything in his power not to lose her.

"Jess, my poor little Jess, not for one minute did I think you were anything less than what you appear.  Believe me when I tell you that if I had imagined for a single second you were being in any way dishonest, I wouldn't be here.  But you're not.  And I am.  So, think no more of it and lets get you in and settled.  Then we can talk." he bent and lightly kissed her cheek.  She blushed and his heart melted all over again.  She just couldn't see it.  One day he would make sure she could.  

Half an hour later, Jess stood on the balcony, looking out onto the inky black night peppered with stars.  In the distance she could see the Colosseum lit up, it's ancient arches picked out like a stone skeleton in a huge real life x-ray of the city. In another life, this could have been a moment to share with her lover.  In another life, this should have been a moment to share with her husband.  Now, in this life, she had neither.

Tears streaming down her face, she turned to look at Tom where he sat and said quietly "So in the end I said no."  There was silence, well as much as a city like Rome can offer at night.  Somewhere a fox barked as it scavenged the refuse and a scooter rasped it's way along a deserted street. 

Tom looked at her for a moment then silently held out his hands to her.  She walked over and held them, feeling her soul raw and as naked as it was possible to feel.  There was nothing now he didn't know. No secrets, no pretence and sadly she thought, no hope.  Why would he waste his time on her.  She was nothing like anyone in his world.  She was, she reasoned sadly, damaged beyond anything he would want.  She was wrong.

He pulled her down to sit on his lap, taking the chance to show her that he could be trusted not to make a move, just to hold her. For a second she froze, not out of fear or because she didn't want to, but because she did.  So very much.  More than she had ever wanted anything in her life, right there and then she wanted him.  All of him and it scared her senseless.

"It's ok Jess, I just want to comfort you sweetheart, you look like you need a cuddle." he explained softly.  "I promised you I would do only what you wanted, only when you wanted it." she relented and sat down, slipping her arms around his waist as he spoke into her hair, his chin resting on her head.  "If I  push too far, I'm sorry.  " he wrapped her in a hug.  They sat in silence for a few minutes then he said softly,  "You are the strongest, bravest most amazing woman I have met in a very, very long time.  The only other person I think that's stronger than you lives in Suffolk and has had to put up with me and my sisters for far longer than I could have!" he smiled and continued "I would love you to meet mum, I know she'd love you too." 

For a second, he winced and closed his eyes at the realisation of what he had just said. Hours after meeting her, he wanted her to meet his mother and he'd, by implication, just said he loved her.  Way to go Hiddleston, that's playing it REALLY cool. He groaned inwardly and waited for the rebuff.  

None came. Only a sleepy snuffle and the cutest little snore he had heard in his entire life.  

She had almost instantly fallen asleep in his arms, the strain of the evening taking it's toll.  His face almost split in two as he realised that she felt safe enough to sleep.  She had been through the mill and finally, after a night of confession, she was able to rest.  And he, to his eternal relief,  had helped.  Carefully he stood scooping her into his arms and carried her back in doors. She stirred a little and he shushed her back to sleep with a gentle kiss on her head.

"Sleep now Little One" he murmured as he laid her on top of the bed, still fully clothed.  He removed her shoes and covered her with the extra throw.  She snuffled a little and clutched at his arm as she turned, hugging it tightly.  Gently he pulled it away and she didn't wake.  He couldn't - wouldn't stay.  He wrote a note and his number of a scrap of paper and placed it under her phone next to her bed.  Then he kissed her forehead and left, looking back for a final time as he closed the door.  One day, he promised himself, one day she would know this was the exact  moment he decided he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.  For now, he would simply be there for her; show her he cared and he wasn't about to abandon her.

"Goodnight my love " he whispered and closed the door, his insides churning with the real fear that this could be the last time he would see her.  

As he walked to the lift, he desperately wanted to run back and climb into bed and just hold her so he would be the first thing she saw when she woke. That she would know he hadn't abandoned her.  He also knew that was the wrong, overly smothering, slightly creepy after only one evening, thing to do, but he did have another idea.  His face and his eyes lit up with a mischievous grin.  

Fun she'd said at one point, she wanted more fun.  He could give her fun. He was the God of Mischief was he not?