The Echoes of Solitude

Chapter Fourteen

Here is the new chapter, I hope you enjoy it!

The sound of the rain echoed on the tin roof, which drowned out the sounds from the outside world. I settled myself onto the seat at my desk which sat underneath the window and faced out to the ocean. You could barely see the ocean in the distance, the deep blue waves covered by the grey, stormy rain clouds. I pulled my legs up and slid them under me. I opened my journal to the next available page, I grabbed a pen out of the holder, and started to write.

June 16th

Dear Mum,

I am so, so, so sorry, mum. I really am.

I hope you don't hate me for not writing to you sooner. I promise I didn't mean to forget, it's just... I feel like things have been so hectic lately and it's only now that I am beginning to find a balance between settling in, working for Marcus, meeting all these different people, and then managing all these different emotions that have arisen from them all.

Honestly, mum so much has happened in the past week and I hate the fact that you aren't here to see or experience it with me. That you both aren't here to experience it with me. I want, no, I need you to know, that even though I haven't been writing to you, it doesn't mean that I have forgotten about you both, every morning when I wake up, you guys are the first thing I think about. I still find it so hard to face the day without you both, I hate not having either of you here with me.

Mrs Webber and I had a chat the other day about all of the emotions that I was feeling before my walk with Cora, and do you know what she said to me? She said that she thinks that all these emotions have to do with the fact that you and Dad aren't here with me while I experience all these new things, or that I'm not able to tell you about it.

And, I think she might be right.

She doesn't know that I write to you, no one does.

I respect Mrs Webber so much, and I am eternally grateful for all that she has done and given to me in the short time that I have been here with her. But I still think that I am struggling with being able to open up to her. I really want to talk to her about things, and Cora too but how do I know that they aren't going to burn me, that they aren't going to change their mind and treat me like dirt?

I feel so lonely as I have all these thoughts in my head and I can't get them out to anyone.

I know what you would be thinking, you would be thinking that Mrs Webber or even Cora would want to know what is going on in my head. That they would be able to help me, but honestly Mum, I don't know how to bring up the things that are in my head or how to even approach the subject.

Like for example, I got asked out by Cora's brother yesterday... He said that we should do something on my next day off. I was shocked and flattered, but I said yes. And I was completely surprised at how okay Cora's was with the situation. It felt like I had her approval and no doubt when I go to hers later this afternoon to watch movies, she is going to interrogate me on it as she didn't get a chance to last night at the bonfire.

I know what you will be thinking, bonfire? Yes, mum, I went to a bonfire party! I know, I finally got to see a real-life bonfire that wasn't fake or on tv. I even made smores. They were gooey and delicious, but doing that made me feel really sad that we never got to do our family camping trip that we had planned for... I think we would have really enjoyed ourselves. Especially Dad, he would have loved being able to make a fire himself and being able to cook our dinner over it. He would have been in his element.

But going back to the boy situation, I don't know how to describe how I feel about it. Noah, Cora's brother, makes me feel like butterflies are fluttering around in my tummy. He makes me feel so shy and nervous when I am around him, it's like my brain and mouth forget to work together, and I forget how to talk especially to him. I feel like I am one of those silly rom-com movies where the girl always looks so stupid in front of her crush. And I really, really hope I don't look like a fool in front of him, especially if this date happens... omg, what do I do if we do go on a date? What do I wear? How do I act?