The Echoes of Solitude

Chapter Four

Saturday 4th June 2013

"So you were actually abandoned by your parents... in an alleyway?" Cora clarified in disbelief, making sure that she had heard me correctly. She wasn't the first to do so, and I doubt she will be the last.

With a few bags hanging on each of our elbows, we entered through the doorway of yet another clothing shop. The shop was located right in the centre of the opened roof arcade we were currently walking through. People were moving all around us, all occupied in worlds of their own, oblivious to the conversation that we were having. Cora had visited Marie and I last night after finishing her shift at the craft shop. She had wanted to know how my job interview went and asked if I wanted to come clothes shopping with her the following day, as she finally had a day off and insisted that she needed a new wardrobe. That is what led to the conversation I was having right that second.

I nodded in response, not wanting to voice, that I was unsure who actually placed me there. I didn't want more pity and if I told her that there wasn't enough evidence for the detectives to pinpoint if it even was my birth mother who placed me there, no doubt I'd get more.

"What kind of parent does that?" she wondered aloud, pausing to pluck up a hanger and inspecting the dress that was hanging off it. She pulled a face at the price tag and then put it back in its original spot. "Like, I get if you don't want to have a child, but there are other ways of going about it, than leaving a child helpless and abandoned. How is that the best way to go about it?"

I walked past her, maneuvering over to the clearance table. I grab a white button-up top, off the table, and twist to look at her. "That is what I've always wanted to know," I responded quietly, glancing back down at the top, deciding to place it with the pile of clothes I was still to try on.

"Well, you are better off without them. They don't deserve you and Mrs Webber is the best person for you." She stated, keeping eye contact, "Ally, I know we have only met yesterday, but I know we are going to be fast friends, and if those people ever come back into your life..." she let the sentence die off, allowing me to come up with my own answer.

"Thank you," I felt myself smile at the small act of kindness and protection, "... and I agree. You are the first friend I have had in a long time." I tell her honestly.

She just grinned. "And once you start school in a month, you will make a whole lot more." She said, turning to show me a blue and white, striped, off-the-shoulder top, looking for my approval, "Everyone is going to love you."

The thought of having more friends made my heart flutter and brought tears to my eyes. I nodded in response, not trusting my voice.

"Aw, honey," She said sympathetically, her eyes locked on mine. She walked past a group of younger girls, who had just entered the shop and made her way towards me. She placed the arm that didn't hold all her bags around my shoulder and gave me a half hug. Tears formed in her own eyes, but didn't spill, "You aren't alone anymore."

Alone. I tried to ignore her comment. I straightened up and wiped at my eyes, ducking my head so I could let my auburn hair fall and hide the panicked look that I'm sure was crossing my face. "I'm just going to try these on," I said to her, motioning to the pile of clothes that were piled in my hands, whilst avoiding eye contact.

She frowned with a concerned expression on her face and nodded. I could feel her eyes on my back, as I quickly moved to the changing room. She didn't push or follow me for which I was silently thankful for.

With a simple click, the door was locked and I was alone. I dropped my bags and the clothes that were piled up in my hands and let them fall to the floor. I leaned back against the door for support, let out a slow breath, and closed my eyes. I slid down until I could feel my bum had come into contact with the ground and pulled my knees into my chest. You're alone. No one can see you. You're always going to be alone. No one wants you, not even your own mother. My thoughts, which I had no control over were causing my heart to race to the point it felt like I was experiencing a very mild heart attack. Each breath I took felt like I was gasping for air, every breath becoming shorter and quicker than the one before. I placed my head in my lap and imagined my therapist's voice, breathe, just breathe. Count sheep for me. 1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep, 4 sheep. 1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep... I felt a wave of calm wash through me. I reached into my bag, grabbing my blue inhaler, shaking it first, then raising it to my now dry lips. I could feel my heart rate decreasing and my breaths coming back to its regular pattern.

I just felt tired and alone.

---

"Ally," I heard my name being called by Cora's worried voice, waking me from my trance. "Are you okay in there?" She asked, gently knocking on the cubicle door that I was sitting against. "You've been in there a while."

It felt nice, for once, having someone else care about you. The only problem with people caring is that you become a burden. As the almighty Stephen Smith once said to me, "You are here as a charity case because no one has ever wanted you. You are just simply another burden that I have to deal with." Yes, he was heavily intoxicated at the time when he had said it. But they do say that drinking causes you to speak the truth, that it gives you the confidence you don't get when you are sober. I did try and not to let his words affect me. I tried not to acknowledge what he said, but words hurt.

It's not that easy to forget.

I stood up and looked at my reflection in the mirror, inwardly wincing at what I saw. My green eyes appeared as though they were bloodshot, and looked as though they were empty and distant. My face was pale and my hair a mess. I run my hand through my shoulder-length auburn locks, trying to tame it so I wouldn't look like the mess that I felt I was. I opened the door to greet her.

"Sorry, I'm fine. I was just getting changed." I lied and gave her a look, pleading for her to just drop it. "Are you done?" I asked politely, changing the subject and motioning towards the clothes that she held in her arms.

"Okay?..." She said unconvincingly, not believing that I was, in fact fine, but let the matter drop. Something I was unbelievably grateful for. "Yeah, I am. Are you ready to go pay?"

I nodded, suddenly feeling too exhausted to speak. The aftermath of my panic attack had finally caught up with me. I followed Cora out of the changing room, my posture slumped, my shoulders bowed and my eyes feeling very heavy.

"Do you just want to head back to Mrs Webber's after this?" Cora asked as I was muffling a yawn. "You look tired."

I felt more than tired, I was exhausted. The move, the change of city, the change of routine, the nightmares that had started up again, and the panic attacks were all starting to take a toll on me. "Would you mind if we did? It's just with all the moving and settling in, I'm quite tired."

"No, of course not." She reassured me with a smile, "How about we get a smoothie to go with our walk home?"

"Sounds good to me."

With a drink in one hand and the bags from our multiple purchases dangling off our arms by their handle, the walk back to Mrs Webber's house was a surprisingly comfortable one. We avoided talking about what had just happened. Instead, Cora and I would ask each other questions, not personal ones, just general questions like least favourite food, favourite ice cream, favourite colour, favourite animal, and so on.

It turned out we have very similar interests. Both love books, both love chocolate, and we both absolutely hate spiders with a passion. She told me about her family. Her mother an accountant, her dad a teacher, and how her older sister moved to the Big Apple to be with a guy she had only just met. In a way, I hated that she was so easy to get along with and that she genuinely seemed like she wanted to get to know me. I wasn't used to that.

We parted ways once we reached Mrs Webber's house, waving as we each reached our designated front porch.

Authors note:

I want to say a big thank you to everyone who has read, commented and voted on Abandoning Ally. I love you all.

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