Young Forever 花樣年華

Chapter Ten: Save me

This was one of the odd days. Those days whom are apparently pretty mundane, but feel like the end of the world, for no reason in particular. Because sometimes... It's just too much, too bright, too powerful, for you to take. And you just lie there, letting everything go through you. You're not really here. But were you ever really here to begin with? You feel like nothing is real anymore, your emotions get mixed up in a way, but in another, you don't feel any of them, you're just empty, and way too stuffed at the same time. Then, periodically, it gets so bad, that you would do anything to even feel a fragment of emotion. You start to doubt the fact that you ever lived, that you ever loved, that you ever felt happy. Because this unnamed emotion takes over everything you have or you thought you had, and destroys it, taints it. Your life will never be the same again. You feel like you have reached this point of no return, like you don't even know who you are anymore. Yeah, that was one of those days for sure.

The world was crumbling, everything around her being crushed into dust, living was hell, if we can even consider that as living. She was alone, all alone. Lost in an infinite void of pure darkness.

Happiness, what a strange word, right? It means nothing, it isn't even real. Did you ever ask yourself, "Am I happy?", no, because you only miss happiness when you're at your lowest. The illusion of life is thinking that one day you'll reach happiness. The only thing that's real is pain, and pain only, suffering is your best friend, because it will never abandon you, it will haunt you, relentlessly, until you give up and let out your last breath. Just stop expecting good things to happen, you will be deceived, you'll just ache more when everything will go down. One day, I will fall asleep and never wake up, then, I'll rest, finally, after all this time. Don't pity me, I'm not searching for your sympathy, I've always dealt with everything alone, now is no different, I'll go through it, like always, even if it feels like I'm agonizing. I just wish I could disappear, into thin air, it's not like there would be people to cry my loss, you see? One day a friend of mine told me that if I was sensing anguish and utter darkness fill me, I should just pretend I wasn't here, and repeat those words:
I'm not here,
this isn't happening,
I'm not here,
I'm not here.
That's what I tell myself everyday, and I'm starting to believe that I don't really exist, because my existence is absurd. If there's a god on this earth, why would he torture me like this? It doesn't make any sense, I think I've been dreaming all this time, this is just a nightmare,
I walk through walls,
I flow down the Liffey,
I'm not here.
I'm not! I'm not... I just... want to be normal, like everyone else, but I guess even that is too much to ask. If I rip my throat out, nobody will know, nobody will care, I'm nothing, I'm worthless, insignificant. Here you have it, the proof of my futile existence, the tears running down my cheeks, and the blood dripping along my hands. Sunflowers, yellow, yellow, where are they? I can only see blue, everywhere, crawling, swarming, spreading everywhere like a plague. Why me, of all people, why not him? Or her? Why did it have to be me? I'm fainting,
That's not me.
I'm not here,
It isn't happening.
I'm suffocating, my skin feels disgusting, I wanna peel it off, burn it, make it go away. Even death is too sweet of a treatment for me. Nobody listens, no one hears my pleas, my cries, oh well, that's because you're all alone, dummy, you always have been, always will be, you worthless piece of shit. Nobody loves you, nobody would love a disgusting human being like you, you have nothing, you're not pretty, nor sweet, certainly not friendly, and not smart either. You don't even know how to love, you will never love, because you forgot how to do it, did you ever let someone get close to you? No, because no one will understand how you feel, and they will betray you someday, or get bored of you, that's all you deserve.
I'm not here.
I'm not here...
This... Isn't... Happening.

She closed her eyes, sobbing silently, invisible tears gushing from her eyelids. Silent sobs, and dry tears. She was used to it, but she needed to take it out, that rage that was always hidden, it needed to explode, for once. Even if this moment felt like the last, it wasn't, she would get up, eventually, and go on with her life, as always, and everyone will forget her distress, even herself. But deep down, she knew that this would happen again, sooner or later. Her eyes fell on a glass bottle, she grabbed it, without hesitation, pouring the green liquid in her glass motionlessly and then gulping on it like she had not hydrated herself in years. It filled her veins, the absinthe submerging her senses, taking over her like a puppet. Her body ignited, her irises blazed with a million petunias, that troubled her sight and made her blood boil.