Nick and Charlies intimacy struggles. Heartstopper

Universety

Nick and Charlie had been going strong for four years. They were now both at university together. It was Charlies first year and nicks second. Nick had lived on campus the first year but now had a flat which Charlie had joined.

Things were going incredibly well. Charlie loved his music course. Nick was on the rugby team. They were great friends with their flatmates who had no problems with living under the same roof as a gay couple. The two of them shared a room so they didn't even struggle for money.

But by nine months in Charlie was starting to get really stressed and overwhelmed by his course , it was turing out much harder than he had originally anticipated. His mental health collapsed as his thoughts spiralled. He managed not to self harm but could only eat one meal a day.

This was also the time nick and Charlie stopped having sex. Nick could tell Charlie didn't want to so he didn't make a move. He knew that during stressful times Charlie couldn't cope with sex. His mind and emotions had to shut things out to stay in control and not get overwhelmed.

But then Charlie started shutting out all physical intimacy. He didn't initiate kisses with nick anymore. When nick initiated Charlie barely reacted to nicks lips on his own. He would close his eyes and go still, like he was fighting off a sea of emotions. Charlie no longer reached up for nick during the kisses. Hands stayed on nicks arms instead of grasping the back of his head.

So nick stopped kissing Charlie. Even hugs became rare. sometimes nick just couldn't resist looking at his distraught boyfriend and had to bundle him up in a hug. But Charlie kept his emotions bottled up inside, so instead of breaking down in nicks arms he stiffly tolerated it.

The only regular contact Charlie could manage was handholding, but now it felt distant. They used to fall asleep in each others arms, now they slept on opposite sides of the bed. Nick felt like Charlie was avoiding him, they hardly spent any time together anymore.

One day nick was talking with Imogen about it.  "I have needs too. Its not about the sex. I need him emotionally. He cut me off and it hurts. it fucking hurts." Nick finally admitted the frustration that had been boiling within him for weeks.

"I love Charlie and I know he's having a really difficult time right now. But I feel like I'm being taken for granted. That he can just put me on hold for as long as he wants and il always be there for him." Nick finished venting and immediately switched to guilt. "Dose that make me a bad boyfriend?"

"I don't think anyone would ever accuse you of that nick nelson." Imogen replied. "Have you talked to him about the imbalance in your relationship?"

"No. he is really fragile at the moment. He always feels like a burden to the people around him. If I tell him." nick trailed off. "Its a big trigger for him."

"Perhaps if you got one of his friends to talk with him on your behalf." Imogen suggested.

Tara was visiting them that weekend so he asked for her help. Her conversation with Charlie lasted only a couple of minuets before she went to get nick. "Charlie wants to see you."

Nick feared the worst as he climbed the stairs to their room. But Charlie seemed remarkably composed.

"Im sorry."

"Your not allowed to use the S word."

"But I need to say it this time. I've been neglecting you. I'm so, so sorry."

"Please talk to me about it." nick sat beside him, yearning to touch Charlie with every fibre of his being but resisting. "I don't give a fuck about the sex. But it breaks my heart that you put a wall between us."

"When I'm with you, I lose control. You so kind and beautiful and I love you so much. I just cant handle it." Charlie clutched his head, his thoughts and emotions a mess.

"Char I think you made the wrong decision to shut me out." Nick said. "And I was wrong not to tell you that you hurt me. I wanted to protect you by giving you space, but that just made things worse."

Nick hugged Charlie close. "I love you." He whispered into Charlies curls.

"I love you too." Charlie replied.

Then they both smiled and laughed in relief. surprised that they hadn't broken down.

"Nick I want you to do the thing. Make me forget about all my anxiety's. Make me feel good."

Nick smiled and pushed Charlie up against the wall and started kissing him. Nick was being a little rough but Charlie liked it, he moaned approvingly clutching at nicks back.

"You good." nick asked when they came up for air.

"Shut up and take me." was Charlies reply.

Nick picked Charlie up an threw him onto the bed. climbing on top of him and wrapping a hand round Charlies throat.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Tara entered.  "Are you two having a fight or makeup sex?" she asked.

The three of them burst out laughing.