Nick and Charlies intimacy struggles. Heartstopper

Drunk

Nicks uni rugby team had lost a match. Normally nicks golden retriever personality would bounce back, make a joke of it, be optimistic and move on. But this was the fourth defeat in a row. Charlie could feel the dark cloud that had been hanging over nick, brewing like a storm.

Charlie knew what that felt like, the low self esteem, the knot in your stomach the voices in your head, being exhausted but having done nothing, struggling to just get out of bed. He knew that no matter what you told yourself you just felt worse every day.

Each defeat was another knife in nicks heart, he knew he shouldn't base his whole self esteem around his success in sports, but he did. He was the king of rugby and he was losing. Charlie saw the signs, nick was withdrawn, isolating himself, he wasn't eating.

And then Nelly died. She was old and passed away peacefully in her sleep but it broke nicks heart.

Charlie tried to do what nick had done for him when he was in a dark place. He spent hours silently cuddling with his boyfriend. Though they didn't say anything out loud they didn't have to, they were soulmates. Charlie could feel how deeply nick was hurting by how tightly he hugged Charlie while they were spooning.

Charlie now knew how nick felt when Charlie was in his depressions. Unable to do anything for the boy you loved other than hold them. Nothing you could do or say could heal them, or even ease their pain.

Nick spent hours with his head in Charlies lap, Tears brimming in his eyes but never spilling over, breathing heavily but never crying.

Usually nick was very healthy when dealing with his emotions, he and Charlie were a couple that talked about things. But not this time, it hurt too much to talk about. So nick would go out and drink.

Charlie went with him, he didn't push nick, he didn't try to talk about it, he just stayed by his boyfriends side, silently supporting him. Charlie wanted nick to know that he was there when nick was ready to talk.

It took a lot of alcohol to inebriate Charlies massive ruby boyfriend, but one night he drank until the bartender cut him off and Charlie took nick home. He hoped a walk in the fresh air would sober nick up but as soon as they were alone nick pawed at him.

At first Charlie let his boyfriend kiss him, grope him. They hadn't gotten sexual in weeks, but it didn't feel good, didn't feel right. It felt like nick was trying to distract himself, like how he had tried to drown his feelings in alcohol. Charlie separated their mouths and nick started kissing his neck, desperately, hungrily.

"Nick your drunk." Charlie protested. But nick was insistent, he pushed Charlie up against the wall. Just like ben had done all those years ago. Charlie felt a flash of fear.

 "Nick stop!" Charlie said pushing at his much stronger boyfriend. But the drunken mass was impossible to move. Then he realised nick wasn't kissing him anymore, he was crying. He was weeping into Charlies shirt. He was making a sobbing sound that cut into Charlies heart like a knife. Charlie had never seen nick this distraught before, this vulnerable.

They sank to the ground, nicks head in Charlies arms as Charlie ran his fingers through nicks hair.