Delicate Hearts | Completed

15 || Normal Again

make sure you vote and comment! this chapter is mostly about madison's inner turmoil. 
TW: self harm. 
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Spending the night with Harley made me feel great. Something about being intimate with him feels nice. It might not be romantic but it's close and I feel warm. And not just the external temperature.

But of course, something that I dreaded was going back home this morning. I did not exactly tell them I was going to be gone for the night, so I can imagine they'd be freaked out. I drive home by myself, thinking back to my time with Harley.

It was around noon, which meant that Aaron has left for school and my parents have left for work. Or at least I hope they've left. I pull into the driveway, and to my dread, my parents' cars are still there. I check myself in my car mirror and realize that my neck has several dark marks, from Harley. "Fuck."

I take out my purse which has emergency makeup. I dab some concealer onto my hickeys and smoothen it out. I can't have my parents find out that not even two weeks after something terrible, I'm already running out and making out with a stranger. I take another long look at myself in the mirror before locking my car and heading inside to face my parents.

As soon as the sound of the door opening falls on their ears, my parents run towards me. "Madison!" My mom cries out. "Madison, we thought something terrible happened to you! Where did you go? I called all your friends and they had no idea where you were. Did you even check your phone?"

"Madison, I know..." My dad begins. "I know things have been hard for you, but you can't just run off and expect us to be fine with it. Sweety, we were worried sick."

"Madison, we won't be mad, just tell us where you were," My mom pleads.

I look at both of them for a long time, taking in their torn looks. I did this to them. I'm keeping them worried and sick. It's all my fault. It was my fault from the start. It was just a stupid dress code. I should have done something at the start of it. I'm doing no one any good.

My heart clenches and frustration builds inside of me. So instead of telling them the truth, I say: "I can go wherever I fucking want. You weren't like this before I fucking got sexually assaulted my fucking teacher! Why do you care now?!"

Then I storm up into my room and slam the door shut, burying myself until my pillows and stuffed animals, screaming into my bed. I'm a terrible fucking person, I don't deserve shit. I don't deserve parents like them. I don't deserve friends like Ashley, Jasmine, and Veronica.

I'm a fucking mess. And no one is to blame but me.

I scream into my pillow some more, letting some of the anger inside me escape. I scream because I've been a terrible friend and kept them all in the dark of why I haven't been to school for more than two weeks. I scream because I can't tell my parents how I really feel. I scream because I can't have fun with Harley without having a panic attack. I scream because I don't appreciate anything Angel does for me, but I still want to be around him because he makes me feel safe.

I scream because I'm being such a fucking nuisance to everyone in my life right now and I can't fucking do anything about it. I don't know how to fucking fix myself.

I scream because I have another fucking therapy session today.

Tears start pouring out of my eyes, and I sob, gasping for air. I roll over and lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. I hate my fucking life. I wish I could start over. Then I wouldn't make the mistakes I've made now. I would be a good friend, a good daughter, and a good person.

I just want to start over.

I want to press the restart button. I wish life had an undo button. Because erasing pen marks is hard unless you tear out the paper and start on a new page.

There are so many things I would do differently and my life wouldn't be like it was now. I would tear a few pages from my story and return back to that day he asked me to stay back and finish my assignment. I would tear more pages after that and go back to the time before he dress coded and I would have worn a bra to school.

I would fix my mistakes. I would rewrite my story. I would go back to a time when Angel never gave me his jacket, and I never met Harley at the therapist. I would unfuck their lives by not being a part of them.

But instead, I do the next best thing. I go into my bathroom, lock the door, and turn the water all the way up. Because what else can I do but burn his touch away? Burn the memories away until I don't feel them anymore. I get in with my clothes because it was a habit now. Then I slowly, and gently take them off.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. I don't know to whom. But I think I owe an apology to a lot of people lately. When my completely bare body is under the scalding water, I close my eyes and feel it. I feel the burning sensation because it numbs his cold touch.

Then I rub my skin.

I rub my skin until there's no skin left to rub anymore. I rub some more until I feel blood seep out.

When I get rid of his touch, everything will be back to normal. I will be normal again. 

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a/n: i feel so bad for madison :( and for anyone who has to go through this. she deserves better. so do everyone in this book. everyone struggling deserves better. and almost everyone is struggling. 

what did you think about this chapter? what do you think about madison? 

thank you so much for reading! i love you so much!!!