Delicate Hearts | Completed

41 || Thousand Pains

make sure you vote and comment! the book is nearly coming to an enddddd. ahhhh! 
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Nearly a month passed by. A lot of updates have happened in my life. I submitted my college applications for early action. My early decision college was Harvard, but I wasn't sure I would get in. Especially with that obnoxious gap where I missed school, my grades tanked. But half of my stress was out of the way.

Angel and I spent nearly all day together, and my family adored him. Especially Aaron and my mom. Dad was a little stiff, but I knew he still liked Angel.

My family also visited Harley every now and then. Aaron found a silent liking for Harley, but he still worshiped Angel.

Harley was able to move around a little more and lost his neck brace, and his ribs had almost fully healed. His concussion was gone, and Angel and Harley had developed a gentle friendship over time. Clara never came around Harley after that day, and things were starting to look up.

Angel started to receive treatment for his eating disorder and was getting better. My therapy was going well. Everything seemed like it would turn out perfectly. I was on my way to see Harley again today. Angel was away for a modeling job, so it was just me driving to Harley. I was driving Angel's car because it was practically mine now. Along with half of his wardrobe. If only shoes fit me. I would claim those too.

When I reached his hospital room, I had a smile on my face. "Hey!" I greeted him cheerfully. But he didn't seem to match my energy today. My smile faded away as I walked closer to him. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Can we talk?"

"Aren't we talking right now?"

"That's not what I meant."

I sigh and purse my lips nervously. "What do you wanna talk about?" I started to feel anxious. I thought he had forgiven me but maybe not. Maybe he wants to tell me how he hates me. Now that Angel isn't here. Maybe he wants to tell me how much he couldn't stand seeing my face all these days and how he wished I was the one in the accident, not him.

"I had a panic attack last night. Do you know why?"

I bite my lower lip, not knowing what to say. I just shake my head.

"All these painkillers. They're drugs. I don't even take Advil for headaches because it makes me crave more. And the doctors are only administering small amounts because they think I'll get addicted again. And it's all fine. I can deal with it all."

I didn't realize he was struggling so much. Of course, painkillers were drugs. Healing from a car accident is difficult, but... this. Fighting his addiction. It must have made it a thousand times more difficult and tiresome.

"But you know what really does it?"

"What?" I ask my voice barely a whisper.

"Seeing you. With him. It physically hurts. More than anything else. I hate seeing you with someone else, and I wish with all I have that I could take his place, but I'm not going to fight someone you want just because I want you. I've come to terms with it."

"I'm sorry..." These two words make me feel so pathetic. Why am I sorry when I don't want to make it better for him? What right do I have to apologize?

"Don't. Don't pity me." I can't bear to look him in the eyes. "But do me a favor."

"Of course." I would do anything at this point to make it up to him.

"Can you stop visiting me? Delete my number from your phone. Don't come back to see me ever again." My body froze at his words. I couldn't process it. I couldn't come to terms with what he had just asked of me. He asked me to leave his life and never come back.

"W-why?" I croaked out, trying my best to maintain my composure. Because in my head, I was already on the ground, a sobbing mess. Begging him to not let me go.

"You're being greedy. You chose him. But you want me too." I was feeling my heart break into thousands of tiny pieces. Too many to pick back up and put together. And maybe I didn't deserve to put them back together. "You want me in your life. You want us to act like we're best friends when we're not. We're not best friends. I love you, and you can't reciprocate, but I can't move on as long I see you in front of me."

"I- I don't want to walk out." I shake my head furiously, fighting back tears. "I don't want to leave you."

"Stop being selfish, Madison," His words stab at my already open wounds. I wish I would bleed out from them. But they're metaphorical. They're not real wounds. Yet it hurts just as much. "I'm sorry it has to be this way."

I give up. Because I know that he's right, he's right. I am being selfish. I've always been selfish. I've always been selfish, meeting him when I craved it. Using him as I pleased but turned to Angel the other times. I had fun with both of them, and when I had to make a decision, I did. I left Harley aching. Alone. And all of a sudden, I pretended like it was all normal between us.

And had to audacity to show up with my boyfriend. I can only imagine how much I tortured Harley. He was completely right. I was making a mistake. I always made a mistake when it came to him. Because I couldn't resist, I couldn't fight my selfish desires.

I never realized that choosing one would mean saying goodbye to the other. I was too stupid to think that way. I was stupid to think I could have them both. And it hurt. So much. More than being stabbed a hundred times and left to die. More than anything could ever hurt.

"You're right," I nod, blinking away tears. "I'm being selfish. If that's what you want. I'll give it to you. I'm sorry, Harley. I wish it could have been different."

"I wish it was different too. Goodbye, Madison."

"Goodbye, Harley." My voice was cold, ready to explode into a million hot drops of lava. I turned around. I walked out. I didn't look back as I disappeared around the corner, knowing that I'd never see him again.

When I get to the car, I explode. I cave in. I destroy myself and the walls I've built.

I broke his heart. I broke my own heart. Our relationship was ill-fated from the start. Yet I kept pushing until both of us fell off the edge.

I fucked up. It didn't hurt much.

But now that I've fixed my mess. It hurt a thousand pains. 

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a/n: noooooom my heartttttt. but muahaha. 

also do you think harley made the right choice? 

thanks so so so much for reading it means sooooo much! there are 2 more chapters left. damnnn. i love you all sooo much! <3