Can I Really Change Things? (ON HOLD)

Chapter 41

Pain. 

For the last three days, TaiFeng had experienced every type of pain. Physical and emotional. 

First when she was dragged to Nightless City as a captive and then had to go through being made into Wen Xu's concubine.

Second was when she was publicly shamed and disgraced in the courtyard and fighting through being whipped senseless. 

All she had were regrets and unrequited love, which seemed to be the story of her rather short life.

Her first life wasn't the greatest, but she had such high hopes for this one. She wanted to see what her future would be like, she wanted to get married, start a family and watch her husband with her children. She hoped and prayed that the person that she would spend the rest of her life with would be a certain Lan, but deep down she knew that would be impossible.

Even if she was a so-called Bodhisattva, what did it matter if the Lans would never accept her? At the end of the day, it was just an unobtainable, maladaptive pipe dream.

I mean, who was she kidding!? Even if Xichen cared for her, he saw her as a friend and a friend only. He deserved a perfect, well-mannered wife that came from a prominent cultivating family.

Not an unmannerly, problematic hellraiser with a dirty and tragic past! He deserved someone a thousand times better than her, and she knew it!

As long as she was here, she was destined to be forever alone.

FOREVER ALONE, FOREVER ALONE, FOREVER ALONE!!!

 It was practically her mantra, wasn't it?! 

 After all, the only people that wanted to marry her were crazed, psychoneurotics!

 But even then, it didn't matter, if she could just devote herself completely to her sect, surely that would numb the pain. Wouldn't it? Even if she couldn't be with Xichen, couldn't she just love him from afar?

Sometimes that's enough, to love someone from far away, even if she wasn't with him, surely if he was happy, she would be as well? 

Maybe that was her fate? To love from afar, to just help people with their own problems like a fairy godmother? 

Did she even really belong here? The only reason she was here is that she thought the ways things ended were unfair for too many people, but what happens after the war is won?

When Shijie gets married and raises her son. When Wei Ying and Lan Zhan find happiness without going through all the hardships, when Huaisang lives happily with his Da-ge and A'Yao finds peace and acceptance, AND EVERYTHING WORKS OUT JUST FINE FOR EVERYONE ELSE!

Where did that leave her? The by-product, the side effect of everyone's happiness, what was she supposed to do? Perhaps that would be the end of everything, perhaps she would just evaporate into thin air like she never even existed, maybe all of this wasn't even real. 

At the end of the day, she was literally living in a fantasy, her siblings, and friends were just characters in a drama.

Everything she had experienced was thought up by some  Chinese BL author who probably didn't even have a clue as to what was going on at the moment!

Possibly this was all some sort of twisted dream? Or maybe she was in a coma, and she was lying in a hospital bed being pumped full of drugs that have major hallucinatory side effects?

Either way, she wanted to wake up. What was the point of being stuck here if she couldn't even manage to change things like she so desperately wanted to?!