Kabanata 3
Ultimatum
Nakabalik na lang uli ako sa silid, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa mga narinig ko.
What he said to me echoed in my ears hours later. I keep pacing back and forth in my room, trying to decode everything I heard.
Kung totoo man lahat ng iyon, then, how would I respond to that information now?
Tingin ba nila mababawasan 'yung galit ko kung malaman kong hindi ko totoong kapatid si Ashien? Na lumaki ako sa pag-aakalang pamilya kami? Nalungkot ako sa mga nalaman ko, oo. That's a given.
I also start to doubt everything. Dahil kung 'yung reyalidad na alam ko ay kasinungalingan pala, ano na lang ang totoo talaga sa mga nalalaman ko?
Hindi ko maiwasang magtampo kila mama at papa sa pagsisinungaling sa amin ni Ashien. Oo, hinihiwalay ko si Ashien kasi alam kong wala din siyang alam tungkol dito. Kung kasama ko lang siya ngayon, baka may karamay ako sa nararamdaman ko.
Nag-init ang gilid ng mata ko.
If that man thought he'll be spared from my wrath for lending me the truth, he's mistaken. Hindi noon nabago ang isip ko.
Tabla ang nararamdaman ko para do'n. Dahil hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang ipagpasalamat mga nalaman ko.
Hindi rin ako sigurado kung papaniwalaan ko ba siya. Paano kung ito lang paraan nila para makuha loob ko? So they can make me turn my back on my family.
Natawa ako kahit halos maiyak na.
Tingin ba nila porket hindi ko sila kadugo, mapapawi no'n yung sakit ng pagkawala nila?
I wiped the tear at the side of my eye.
Hindi ko man kadugo si Ashien, she's still my sister. Hindi ko man totoong magulang sila mama at papa, I still love them. They're still my family.
But I'm bothered with the possibility that they really kidnapped me from my biological parents. That man pointed it out and I can't scratch it out. Gustuhin ko man. It was just so cruel.
I couldn't quiet my thoughts and it drowned me for the following few days of still in isolation.
As the days felt longer when we're anticipating something, the pain that crept in me from hearing those words became more excruciating. And I, now, understood that knowing the truth brings no consolation, at all.
So I guess, people choose to live in a lie because their reality is too unbearably painful. To some extent they've lost their mind because they have sought solace in the reality they've created.
And now I'm not sure what to do... should I accept the truth and go on with my life? Or should I remain in denial and enjoy the fleeting comfort?
What do I need more at this time: the truth or the peace of mind?
Ginambala ako no'n at natutulala sa kawalan dahil hindi ko na alam kung ano ang uunahing iisipin.
Konting kalansing lang ng kahit ano, balisa na ako. Kinakabahan ako para sa sarili. Kinakabahan ako sa susunod na mangyayari sa akin dito. Kabado ako araw-araw.
And little by little, everything has drained me.
I took tiny steps forward. Hindi nagmamadali, hindi nagpapa-udyok.
Nilingon ko si Demimor nang tinapik n'ya ako. Umismid siya sa akin.
"Walking a little faster won't kill you. But I might if you're this slow," binunggo niya ang balikat ko at nagpatiuna na.