𝐑𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐬

25| 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒐𝒐𝒏𝒆𝒓

Suicide attempt warning.

Ni's POV:

I woke up, slightly drowsy and still very tired. I was not cut out for whatever I was doing, and it was when I realized that Manda was lying next to me unclothed that I wanted to vomit.

I held my face in my hands and my head was screaming and spinning in circles. I felt like an idiot, an entirely different person than the one I kept telling myself I was. Was I really that desperate? Was I such an idiot to let Mothers words get to me? Wasn't I just in Ichi's room... crying onto his lap...

No. No I was not. I had been at one point, but now I was in Manda's room, naked, and panting heavily. The sheets were wet with sweat from where I had supposedly worried and fret all night about what would happen.

I got out of bed, swinging my legs over the side and taking a moment to look at myself. I looked down at my hands, my thighs, my arms, my torso, and thought... I don't deserve this body. I shouldn't be here. And I was right. I didn't deserve anything. Anything good that was given to me... I shouldn't have gotten it. Otherwise it wouldn't have led me to this point right here. I should have stayed back home, where I couldn't hurt anyone else. Where I couldn't have hurt Z.

Oh god. Z. What happens when he finds out? Will he?

I don't know. I was so worried. I was scared and confused that I didn't even have time to think. I let out an exhale slowly, and quietly shifted across the room to pick up my clothes from the night before. They were scattered across the bedroom floor, almost as if Manda or I had been begging to get them off like they were choking me. I couldn't have been that desperate... No...

And now I feel ashamed. Scared, worried, and confused. Sure, I had consented to it, but now in the aftermath of it all I realized that I was sick with loathe and hatred for myself, and possibly even other people around me.

Everything that I had just gone through with Z had meant nothing, because in the end I was going to run back to Manda one way or another. And she had said it herself, and her words were engraved into my brain like an ancient carving in stone.

"I knew you would come back to me... I'm the one you truly want."

Even thinking of Manda was enough to make me vomit. I wanted to throw up, and even though I hadn't eaten much over the past couple of days I still wanted to barf out everything I had consumed in my entire life. I don't deserve to have been fed, to have been treated to ice cream, to have been given cake and cupcakes on my birthday, to have been given presents from my friends and family on christmas. I didn't deserve any of it, not even this royalty. Maybe when Ichi becomes king, he will be too busy watching over a pointless kingdom to notice my death, or to even care about my body, which will be lying there on the ground with a hole through my head. Or maybe I could make him suffer more, and be rid of myself now while I'm still young. But why would I do that? Why would I wish so much sorrow on my family while they are so young?

Not even I know.

I put my clothes on as swiftly but as quietly as I could and grabbed my dorm key from off the nightstand, and made my way down the hall back to my dorm. There were students still in their pajamas in the halls sitting with cups of coffee on the chairs and tables littered throughout the campus, and I was getting looks and whispers as I moved down the hall. I felt like everyone was staring at me, and considering everyone knows my name I was definitely going to be the talk of the town this month. I shuddered at the thought. I felt like everyone was laughing at me, taunting me, looking at me waiting to beat me down into the ground. It was terrible. I was finally beginning to understand what it was like to be humiliated, and this time it was different than when Z had jokingly played it off as payback long ago.