Careless Whisper

XIV

January 1993

"Hi Boo, nice of you to call," Jay says in a weak voice, answering the phone after the tenth ring. Louis was getting nervous, what if she gets worse? Jay was diagnosed with leukemia a year ago and Louis has been stressed and nervous ever since. Every day he calls his mother to see how she's doing or she contacts him herself. Louis didn't want Jay to spend her final months in the hospital so he puts most of the money he earns from songwriting into a hospice service and nurses look after her every day.

"Hey Mum, how are you today?" Louis asks directly, neither of them acts as if everything is fine and Jay knows how much the illness burdens Louis. Louis suspects that she often downplays it because she doesn't want him to spend his life worrying about her. The diagnosis came as a shock to both of them and Louis can't imagine life without his mother. The mere thought of it makes him shiver every time. She's his best friend, always the anchor in his life.

"I've had better days...I'm very tired and have a bit of temperature," Jay admits quietly.

"Is the nursing staff taking good care of you? Do you want me to come home?" and Louis can't help but let his panic creep into his voice. But Louis is currently working on various songs with an artist for his upcoming album. He was lucky and ended up being a professional songwriter by accident. He was present while filming a commercial with a well-known musician. The singer accidentally saw the lyrics of Louis that he was working on in the break and asked him to write with him. And since then more and more stars have come to him and asked for help in writing their songs. He loves to put all his emotions and those of the artists into words. It's something that fills him up.

"No, stay in London. Let's talk on the phone tomorrow, I want to sleep a bit." Jay asks and Louis hears how tired and quiet his mother's voice is. It brings tears to his eyes. If only he could do anything!

"Ok mom, I'll call you again tomorrow. Have a nice rest" and his voice is already shaking dangerously. Pull yourself together Louis!

"Greetings to Liam. I love you my baby," Jay says softly and before Louis can reply she has already hung up. Louis hangs up the phone and let the tears come, his shoulders twitching slightly from his sobs and he feels so miserable. Liam comes out of your room and comforts him directly.

"Jay?" he only asks while stroking his back and Louis just hang his head.

"She's not doing so well today. The bad days are meanwhile more than the good..." Louis finally answers and wipes the tears from his face. Liam just looks pitying. What is there to say? The doctors have given no hope for a cure, both know that these are the last few months and Louis is plagued by the bad conscience that he doesn't manage to go to Manchester and be with her more often. But the work takes him in and Jay has made Louis promise that he lives his dream and is not constantly with his sick mother, for whom there is no hope anyway.

And often Louis is actually grateful for the distraction he gets from his work. In his free time, Liam and Louis are gay rights activists. Louis joined the London movement and Liam also had his out coming with his friends and family six months ago. Louis is more than proud of him. Both fight fervently for more rights and recognition. It's good to stand up for yourself. They both joined OutRage!, the most prominent gay rights direct action group in the UK.

After years, Louis finally has the feeling of finding something more of the old Louis again in himself. His heart still belongs to Harry, but the deep sadness of the early years has given way to a drowsy and numb feeling. He accepts it. Liam still keeps urging him to start dating again and he actually tried for the sake of him a few months ago and it was absolutely horrifying. Louis didn't even knew what to talk to his date, the man was older than him and so different from Harry and Louis was constantly afraid that at some point it would bubble out of him and he'd say exactly that to his date. After a few awkward attempts of a conversation he pretended to have a stomach ache from their dinner and went home quickly. At that time he was so upset that he first cut himself and then fucked Liam. He still hasn't found a healthy way to deal with stress and tension. Since then, the topic has been completely over for him and he no longer even reacts when Liam carefully suggests it again, just looking at him with a raised brow or rolls his eyes.