181 Days of Madeline Jesty

Chapter 21: Girl Code

Days came by as my sanity slowly regressed.

Amielle did not show up in the café afterward. When I asked her coworkers, they told me they didn't know. "She's on leave until next week," one mentioned.

I guess my apology will have to wait next week, I told myself.

Ms. Lilian, on the other hand, neither asked nor approached me about my previous behavior. Whatever she and Mom talked about, that was their business to manage and I had no right to meddle. I was just bothered that we didn't discuss about it. Maybe she thought we had to act as usual to avoid rumors that she had favorites. It was clear she didn't . . . but she was my favorite. Her ignoring what happened bothered me all the more.

As per my interpretation of Ms. Lilian's request, I stayed away from Mickey, at least for a while. Good thing Steph understood when I said I wanted space from Mickey and did not interrogate me further. In her words: "I'm curious, but you never sounded so serious. I'm afraid I'll keep my thoughts to myself for a while."

On that note, I despised how Jane could freely chat with Mickey and allow her friends to tease them because, apparently, Jane was perfect and immune to "temptation"—whatever that meant.

Steph reported that to me after hearing Jane's group of friends discussing how Mickey was so good in the eyes, wishing she would be a guy instead, but realizing that she wouldn't be in this school in the first place if she were. Then they proceeded to talk among themselves how Mickey was obviously "not a girl," that Jane was "surely" Mickey's type, and how adorable Jane was for "resisting temptation."

If I were in Steph's place, I could have been suspended for starting a fight. Those girls needed a lesson. The absurdity of their word choice was so revolting, I thought I would vomit the moment I heard the story from Steph. They disrespected Mickey's gender identity and then assumed whom she liked. Ugh. They were lucky it wasn't me who heard them.

Mickey was the only person who could distract me from all of this . . . and now I had to stay away from her until the issue would subside. But all the dodging and avoiding took a toll on me. I overthought a lot, which resulted to sleepless, tiring nights.

Is Amielle safe? What if she was beaten and her parents asked her aunt, their own relative and Amielle's employer, to hide what they did by announcing she took a leave? What if her aunt is tolerating the abuse? What do I do? How will I know?

What if Mom scared Ms. Lilian to never talk to me again? But why? Or what if Mom told Ms. Lilian that I was just hallucinating? Then I won't be able to tell her the truth about the hourglasses now.

Will Mickey notice I am purposefully avoiding her? If I ask Steph to talk to her . . . people will notice too. Should I follow her after class? But she's with Jane's group recently. What if . . . what if she completely falls in love with Jane because I was elusive nowadays?

These questions got me thinking about my own demise again. To be fair, there were times I would forget I was not normal, that I had some sort of a ticking time bomb over my head. I reframed my unfortunate destiny to something more useful, more favorable. To be loved and to live contentedly became my primary goals. Then it hit me that I had never been optimistic until I had an hourglass over my head.

Death? I kind of hoped for it many times since Dad was proclaimed dead after years of searching for a body. But slowly dying while being ignored by two important people in my life and staying away from the only person amusing me wasn't what I wished for.

I removed the silk cloth covering one of my mirrors. There, I saw the hourglass over my head, the golden grains of sand still continuously but slowly falling. Then came the number . . .