181 Days of Madeline Jesty

Chapter 30: Self-Preservation

I wanted to be surprised, but the moment she told me she liked girls, I knew what was next. Flashbacks of their moments together whenever my eyes wandered around and caught them giggling played inside my head even before she mentioned Jane's name.

Wearing a blank face, I asked, "Congrats? I guess?" Her response was half-revolt, half-shock, which led me to add, "What? What should I tell you then?"

"Aren't you surprised? Disgusted?"

"Between us too, you seem more surprised and disgusted that I am incurious about it. Besides, you do you. If you like Jane, then pursue her."

"Y-you mean, you don't find me, a girl, liking Jane, a girl, weird?"

"What? Why would I? Can one stop themselves from liking someone just because of social conventions?"

"But our faith doesn't allow it!"

"My faith is to believe that love is love, no matter the race, no matter the gender. Have you tried stopping what you feel? Have you tried liking guys?"

"Yes! Yes, I do!" Margaux shouted, her words echoing inside the comfort room. Realizing that she had amplified her voice so suddenly, she covered her mouth with her hands and then, after a few seconds, released them to whisper, "I have, I have, I have! I gave my virginity to a guy, thinking it would change things, but it didn't. And you know what? I told this to her . . . and fuck, she was so casual about it that it hurt. It hurt tenfold, Maddie."

Margaux stood there, her lips trembling, her eyes watering. Without second thoughts, I encircled her in my arms, albeit awkwardly, before I let go and spoke. "I don't know what you are going through, Margaux, because I never acquiesced to your so-called faith—

"Acquie . . . ac—what?"

Forgetting that Margaux wasn't really good at words—though she's excellent in the sciences—I clarified, "As in . . . I am not the type who would sit at the corner and agree to everything everyone says. I use my"—I tapped my right temple twice—"brain, think whether this law, this rule, this judgment has more benefits than its cons. I'm a quite a rebel, and I'm sure you know that."

I wasn't sure if it was because of what I said, but Margaux dragged me to her and embraced me tighter than how I did, allowing her tears to flow down her cheeks and thus wetting my blouse.

"This is why we both hate you."

"Woah there. Hate's a strong word."

She laughed but didn't let go. "You don't know how much that meant to me. I . . . I'm keeping this for so long, and I couldn't tell anyone."

"Not even in your circle?"

Slowly letting go of her embrace, Margaux displayed worry and regret on her face. She leaned against the sink, breathed in deeply, and then crossed her arms before explaining, "They are not so open about it, unlike you, except Jane. I mean, she hasn't told us her stance, and I have noticed she would be the one to change the topic if we happen to talk about homosexual relationships."

This is where I should've used the word "acquiesced," I thought.

"You know what I think? Jane likes men . . . and manly women. That's why she took a liking at Mickey. And heavens, curse me for hating your friend. I don't like her in our circle, to be honest, but of course I didn't show them that. My heart breaks every time Jane stares at her with much anticipation—something that she never did with me."