she is the epitome of nothing

1.

"billie, please get up. you've done nothing but lay in bed for the past few weeks" maggie nagged at billie whilst standing in her doorframe.

billie rolled over and sighed, closing her eyes hoping her mom would leave her alone. maggie quickly realised she wasn't going to receive an answer and turned around and shut the door.

she walked away from her daughters room feeling useless, nothing can help her. maggie has tried everything, school counselling, therapy, talking to her and nothing has worked.

billie laid in bed feeling useless, warm tears running down her face as she lay in the bed she hadn't left for weeks, the same old dirty sheets that now had blood stains on them.

she groaned at the stiffness of her body as she slowly arose from her bed, sitting up right. she looked to the right of her and grabbed a half empty vodka bottle she had been drinking out of and took yet another sip.

billie hated being sober, if she was it was for a few days maximum. being sober made her feel worse, but being intoxicated definitely did not help.

she didn't hesitate to lift the metal object sat next to her and roll her sleeves up, them ripping at the fresh or scabbed over cuts on her arm.

she pressed the blade against her soft skin and glided it across, smiling at the feeling. the feeling of pain made billie feel alive, it made her feel something other than misery.

the blood trickled down her arm and dripping off onto her mattress below her. billie didn't care enough to clean it up, it wasn't her problem.

after being happy with the final result billie put the blade down and rolled her sleeve back down.

billie only ever left her bed to pee or get the occasional small snack, she can't remember the last time she ate something proper.

she hasn't showered nor performed any sort of care for herself, she changes her underwear in the morning and at night, that's it.

her hair was very greasy, her skin was no longer smooth, plaque built up on her teeth, she was disgusting. she smelled horrible, like a dead animal. billie laid in self-pity and self-hatred everyday, longing for the day she either died or had enough motivation to at least look after herself.

"honey, drew's here to see you" billies moms voice can be heard aswell as the door opening then closing.

her phone has been dead for the past few weeks, she hasn't cared enough to charge it. she doesn't need to text her friends and she doesn't need social media wrecking her life more than it already is.

some of her friends, the ones that really cared, messaged billies family or showed up at the house to make sure she's okay.

drew could tell by the stench of the room and the mess of it that billie hasn't left her bed, she's usually a very clean person.

she made her way through the mess and climbed into billies bed with her, billie rolled over and hugged onto drew tightly. drew is the only person billie has felt comfortable enough with to show her emotions. drew has seen billie at her worst and she's been there for billie at her worst, but never, never has it been this bad.

"i'm here baby it's okay" drew reassured her as her fragile friend cried into her arms, after all thats all billie does, cry and cry and cry.

she doesn't know why, hell, no one does. billie is so deep into this black hole there is no saving her. she got herself stuck in there and the only person who can save her is herself.

but billie won't do that, she finds comfort in it. she finds comfort in the pain of it all, she doesn't want to be happy again, that's too boring for her.

she likes knowing she's slowly killing herself, building it all up until she finally does it.

billies knows she will be the cause of her own gone.

632 words.

context -

this book is about mental illness and how easily it can take control over someone's life or mind.

i'd like to highlight the "non-glamourised" side of having mental problems. everyone seems to romanticise being mentally ill.

this is coming from parts of my reality.

if this book will trigger you in anyway you are free to click off, you don't have to read it. just know that if you are feeling this way you are not alone. there will always be somewhere out there amongst everyone who will take the time to listen to you and help you. you have worth and you are loved.

- taylor.